The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?
by Makai'sFavoriteKitsune
Summary: When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible.  On Hiatus
1. Chapter One: The Kido

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi. Attempted rape.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. During this, Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N. **There isn't really that much information about Kido, so I took some liberties in creating them here. Another thing to know, it is that I'm trying something different. Normally, I write extremely long chapters, but I wanted to see if it is better writing shorter chapters and trying to update a bit faster. And, thanks for reading.

September 8, 2011; Re-upload chapter with corrections by Kahewei.

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter One: The Kido

The moonlight shone upon the leaves littered ground of the Sixth division barracks. The night air was cool and refreshing, a soothing balm from the day's heat. Renji breathed deeply, inhaling in the earthly scent of the woods, and tried to capture the moon's rays in his lungs. He was sore. It felt like a never-ending loop between being hurt and being healthy. However, Renji had come to accept it in his years of being a shinigami and from his days on the streets of Rukongai.

Sometimes, he cursed the fact he ever met Kurosaki Ichigo. After their confrontation, it seemed Soul Society was caught in battle after battle; first, the fiasco with Ichigo; secondly, with Aizen turning traitor and his band of merry villainous captains, and then with the Arrancar, and Espadas. Not to mention the Zanpakuto rebellion as well as the other countless problems that propped up. And, of course, all of this had to occur on top of their usual duties of paperwork and regular hollows.

Although the problems with Aizen and the Espadas were still going on, at least he could rest for a bit. Renji didn't think he'll ever get a peaceful rest until the war was over; every shinigami was in war mode after all, but hey, what could he do about it? He had to perform his duty as was expected of him, being the fuku-taicho of the Sixth division. The only good thing that seemed to come about the whole mess was getting Rukia back, and being on better terms with his taicho.

Lounging comfortably on the wooden platform in front of his rooms, he stared adoringly at the brilliant moon. Kuchiki Byakuya, Sixth division taicho and the twenty-eighth head of the Kuchiki line.

_Cold. Beautiful. Brilliant. Unattainable. Just like the moon. It's no wonder taicho told me that fable_, Renji thought. _Then again, it's not different from what I thought before. Expect, I always thought of myself as the stray dog, not a monkey. Wonder if it's 'cause of my zanpakuto?_

Shaking away his thoughts, Renji stood up. He felt like going on a nighttime walk. It was something he enjoyed, and in some ways, it kind of reminded him of the times in Rukongai district seventy-eight. Renji winched. He had just finished a battle with a particular tricky hollow a few days ago, and he still wasn't completely recovered. It was hard because the hollow had the ability to drain reiryoku. Fourth division had ordered him to rest for a week. By then, his physical injuries would be healed but his reiryoku wouldn't be back yet.

Renji estimated that it would take another week for his reiryoku to return to its former levels. In the meantime, it meant he was more hungry than normal. It also meant more paperwork instead of training sessions with his division.

Slowing down to a standstill in the Sixth division training grounds, Renji debated whether or not he felt like getting a snack from the kitchens. It was late, but there should still be people up. Then again, he also had some snacks from the Real world in his rooms that he been meaning to try.

His ears perked up when he heard a faint whistling sound. Placing a hand on his zanpakuto, he glanced around. It appeared that no one was there with him. He wrapped his hand around his sword lovingly. Even, if he couldn't get Zabimaru to transform into its shikai or bankai state; he felt safer having it with him. He was about to continue walking when he snapped his head up again. He could have sworn he heard something. Renji looked around him. Everything in his instincts was screaming that something was wrong. He'll be a fool if he didn't listen to his gut-instincts. It helped him in Inuzari, and it continued to help him in his duty as a shinigami.

"Who's there?" His voice rang out sharply in the night air.

His eyes caught a flash of black and he quickly brought up his sword in defense. The man didn't answer and continued to duel with Renji, seemingly content with just sword play. As Renji parried with another hit, he ducked as another man arose out of nowhere and attacked him as well. Pushing hard, he forced the first man back and kicked the second one to his right.

Panting hard, his body screamed in protest at the sudden physical activity. "The fuck? There's more of you? What the hell do you want?"

Renji knew that he could defeat the five men with just his sword if he moved quickly enough. Their skill level wasn't that high. The men didn't answer him, and just went into attack mode. He growled. As a fuku-taicho, he knew exactly what he was up against. One of the duties of fuku-taicho was the ability to assess the battle skills, strength and weaknesses of a shinigami quickly in order to teach and assign appropriate missions. Not to mention, everyone should have some knowledge of assessment in order to combat their opponents effectively.

Throwing himself into the fight, he defended and attacked his opponents as fast as he could. Renji knew his kido wasn't that good, and his reiryoku wasn't high, but he had enough power for some low level ones. The beginning of one was on the tip of his tongue when suddenly all of his opponents dropped dead to the ground.

He stopped and scratched his head in puzzlement. Carefully, he leaned down and examined one of the men, and felt his pulse. There was no beat. Renji brought his hand up to the man's mouth and nose, but there was no air. Every single one of the men was dead, and he had no clue why. He was about to summon a hell butterfly when all of the sudden his hair tie was pulled loose, and his long locks cascaded down his shoulders and back.

Renji immediately leaped away.

"You look even more lovely with your hair down. I don't know why you put it up."

The man smirked as he held a single black ribbon in his hand.

"What'd ya want? Did you kill those men?"

"Renji, you have forgotten me, haven't you?" the man sighed. "As to the men, of course, I had to kill them. They failed, didn't they? I bet you are wondering how, right? What do I mean right? You do, I can see that look in your face. It's simple really; I placed a hado on them. The second they were about to lose, I just trigger the effect, and what you see is what you get. But, you should know this, Renji. After all, you were victim to my hado before. Well, one of them anyways."

"Victim?" questioned Renji. "What are you talking about? Who the _hell_ are you?"

"Perhaps, it is my new appearance. You did meet me several years ago when I was fat, and slow, and weak. Back in Rukongai. Shall I refresh your memory? My name is Hiroki Katashi."

Renji bristled with anger at the name. "_Hiroki_. Don't call me that. I never gave you permission to use my name. Sure, I remember you, not that I want to; you're the _owner_ of that brothel in Inuzari. You're the **fucker** that tried to kidnapped Rukia and sell her into slavery. You're the **fucker** that steals kids off the streets and forces them into prostitution."

"And _you're_," retorted Hiroki, "the fucker who stopped me from getting that girl, Rukia you say? Did you enjoy my hado spell?"

"Hell no. Who created it? I know it's not you," he spat. "Yer too dumb to come up with something like that."

Hiroki toyed with the slip of ribbon in his hand. "It seems that you are still a virgin, Renji. That just makes the game more fun. Your reitasu's pattern indicates that you didn't have sex with someone to stop the spell. Ah, well. The first time is always the easiest. You must have been in tremendous pain for those months while under the spell. But, Renji…"

Renji didn't want to listen anymore. He ran and brought his sword down. His sword clanged loudly crashing into another sword. "What the?" He muttered.

"You did not think I would return to find you, without learning some new tricks, did you?" Hiroki ran a hand through his short raven locks and slashed his sword downward.

The two pitted themselves against each other in a fierce battle.

"I made a promise to myself all those years ago that I would have you. You ruined me, did you know that?" Hiroki launched himself off a tree, and strike with his sword.

"No," Renji braced himself, and shoved back, trying to angle another hit. "And do I care? Nope."

"Because of _you,_ I lost that girl. And, because I lost that girl, I lost the biggest deal I had with the gang. I lost my brothel because of that."

Renji gritted his teeth. "Bastard. Good riddance to scum like you."

"You saving that girl were a good thing though. You are very beautiful even back then. You caught my attention."

Hiroki caught a hold of Renji's sword and flung it away. Renji started to shupon away, he was weak and tired. He could only rely on so much adrenaline before the pain started to take over. He just knew that if he wasn't injured, he could do much better and there wasn't much he could do with his limited reiryoku.

Hiroki grasped Renji's wrist with his right, and pulled him closer. "I could have sold you once, and be set for a long, long time. The almost feminine appearance with hair of blood likes yours; I could have, wanted to, but I never found you or that girl again."

Renji started to kick out with his leg, but Hiroki just pinned him down. "I heard news of an exceptional fuku-taicho with red hair, and I knew it must be you. Even then, you had some reiatsu. You've changed, of course. More muscular, and stronger. Very masculine. A fierce temper, but you still have long hair. The tattoos are new, rather refreshing. I would enjoy breaking you and making you pay for ruining me."

"No way _in hell_ am I going to let you do a thing to me," gritted out Renji. He struggled beneath the weight of the man, and was almost free when a whispered Hainawa entrapped him.

Hiroki grabbed a hold of Renji's chin and forced him to look him in the eye. "Did you know, Renji, that I still know how to perform the Hado spell? Only I've perfected the casting. I tested it out several times, and I found out that if a person was attacked by it again, the spell strengthens and with each continual spell, it causes more pain and the need for sexual pleasure."

Renji spit into Hiroki's face. "You _sick_ fuck."

Wiping his face in disgust, Hiroki said, "You shall pay for your insolence. Forbidden Hado seventy-two: _GakuKutsuu_."

Renji immediately wriggled in pain. It was worse than his current pains. It was just like before, his body struggling in discomfort and torture. The spell was directly linked to his body's nerves or spiritrons. Trying to hold onto the present, he exerted as much reitasu as he could, breaking the Hainawa encircling him. He crawled on his knees, trying to get away from Hiroki.

"I think one more time should intensify things more," spoke Hiroki darkly. As he casted it again, Renji fell against the ground, trussing around as he tried to maintain mind over body. Hiroki grabbed Renji in his arms, as one of the sleeves of his white yukata slid down a muscular shoulder. Roughly, he grabbed Renji's head, and kissed him cruelly, biting down savagely.

He stroked the red silken locks, and brushed a finger over Renji's cheek. "You remember what happen last time, don't you? Pain so unbearable, that this kido can only be broken by intense pleasure. Intense pain followed with intense pleasure. Only sexual release and penetration by another can this end. The kido may have broken itself overtime for you. But, unluckily for you, you don't have that much time. How long can you endure such pain? The burning of your nerves, the torture of each painful gasp from even the lightest of touches; I will enjoy taking you and I won't grant you the release you need."

Hiroki slapped Renji hard and then shoved him down. Renji didn't move. Each motion set his nerves on fire, and all he could think and feel was the throbbing of pain. He groaned in pain. He struggled to move, but his body wasn't responding.

_Damnit_, Renji thought, _must move_.

He slid a hand down the dark markings on Renji's neck. The lovely contrast between black and golden tanned skin was almost sinful. Hiroki traced the markings down his chest, stopping just above the knot of Renji's obi.

He arranged Renji on his knees after shoving his shoulders down, and pulled up the yukata. He hastily undid the red fudoshi and tied it around Renji's wrists. Eyes gleaming with lust, he grabbed the firm buttocks and parted its cheeks. Hiroki squeezed the red-head's hips hard, causing Renji to scream in pain from being overly sensitive. With his other hand, he closed Renji's mouth, muffling his screams.

As he undid his pants, and prepared himself to thrust in, he stopped. Sweat dripped down his spine, as he felt hard, cool steel pressed lightly against his neck.

"Cease your actions immediately," ordered Kuchiki Byakuya, his grey eyes glinting with anger.


	2. Chapter Two: The Rescue

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi. Attempted rape.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N. **I actually had this chapter written up for a while, but I wanted to edit it first. I probably didn't catch all the mistakes again, so my apologies; especially for that first chapter which I re-upload with corrections. **Thank you for all the reviews.** I noticed some of you had questions that may or may not be answered in this chapter and for the rest of the answers, it shall be revealed all in good time. And, thanks for reading.

A.N. August 28, 2011; Re-upload chapter with corrections.

**A.N. Thanks to beta-reader Kahewei who caught and corrected my mistakes.**

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter Two: The Rescue

It was a cool night, and unseated shinigami, Rikichi, was walking back to his room after a long chat with his friend, Hanataro Yamada, who resided in the Fourth division barracks. It was late, and he honestly hadn't planned to stay long. It was nearing two in the morning, and all was quiet. It was strange there wasn't more people out, Rikichi noted absentmindedly. He sometimes wondered if he would ever reach the level of Abarai Renji. Renji was _just_ so cool, and his intense friendship with the substitute shinigami, Kurosaki Ichigo, was something he also desired. Passing by the Sixth division headquarters, he noticed the light was still on.

_Kuchiki-taicho must still be working_, thought Rikichi_. Another man I wish to be like. Powerful, and strong with a very commanding presence. But, he's not like Renji. Renji's nice. With an awesome personality. Yep, Renji's much better than Kuchiki-taicho. Oops, I better not let Kuchiki-taicho hear that._

His journey to his room was all the way across the Sixth division training grounds. Rikichi grumbled to himself, why did his room have to be so far away? His eyes caught a flash of white as he traveled the edge of the courtyard. _What's that?_ Rikichi wondered.

He stopped to take a look, and felt a slight reiatsu. It was very faint and felt familiar. _Renji's_, he thought excitedly, _what is he doing out so late? Maybe I could talk with him?_

Eyes glowing with admiration, he quickly scanned the yard to see Renji with another man. Rikichi hid himself behind a wooden pillar, damped his reiatsu, and watched. He didn't know Renji was with someone. However, Renji was very beautiful in a masculine manner.

Rikichi often thought about stealing a lock of hair, but he couldn't do it, not to a man whom he admired so much. He had never seen anybody with that particular shade of red. The man with raven hair and dark, blue eyes was holding Renji very tightly to his chest. Rikichi blushed at the sight of the white yukuta slipping down one tanned and muscular shoulder. He wished he had nice tanned muscles like Renji's. Instead, he was skinny and pale. Short too, now that he was thinking about it.

His eyes widened with surprise, as the man kissed Renji and stroked the long, silky hair. He definitely didn't know Renji was like _that_. Rikichi was happy, it was yet another thing he had in common with his hero. _Sometimes_, Rikichi thought _Hanataro was just too cute_. In the moonlight, with his blood-red hair against the stark whiteness of the yukata, Renji looked otherworldly.

Rikichi wanted to stay longer and watch, but he didn't dare to; he didn't want to accidently disturb Renji. He was about to leave when Renji groaned in pain, and he caught sight of the man slapping Renji in the face rather forcefully. The man looked angry. Moreover, Renji…he appeared to be in pain but he wasn't doing anything to stop it.

_Shit_, he panicked. _Dumbass. Assume makes an ass out of you and me._ He was wrong. It wasn't a lovers' meeting. Now, that he thought about it, he had never seen that man before; and he knew most of his division members by sight. He couldn't do a thing, if the guy was strong enough to hurt Renji. In a split-second, he shuponed towards Kuchiki-taicho's office. Rikichi just knew that Kuchiki-taicho could do something. He had to.

* * *

><p>Kuchiki-taicho was working diligently through the late night on paperwork. He felt it was better to finish the paperwork than to allow it to stack up. Doing so would grant him more leisure time, and paperwork was something mindless to do. It would allow him to keep his mind off certain thoughts; at least he hoped so. His fuku-taicho was out for a week due to physical injuries; however, Byakuya suspected that Renji would turn up a few days earlier than expected. While it was true there were rumors stating Renji avoided as much paperwork as he could. In fact, Renji's personality seemed to confirm this notion. However, Byakuya had learned over time Renji was a hard worker.<p>

Renji, despite hating paperwork and refusing do anymore than necessary, was not a stupid person. He understood the importance of paperwork—the function it played within the Gotei 13—and after the fight with Byakuya tossing his scarf on him, he sought to perform his duties as expected. He completed his duties and paperwork in a timely manner for the most part, although, his handwriting left much to be desired. Kuchiki-taicho was surprised at first, but back then, he did not know the man behind the brash and loud personality. They had only worked together for about a month before the Strawberry incident. Renji was very much like a chameleon or a street-rat hiding in the dark shadows of an alleyway.

Byakuya should have foreseen this though. Renji was one of the top students in the top class in the Shinigami academy, and he was the sixth seat of the Eleventh division, which was meaningful, considering whom the fuku-taicho was as well as the rather odd placement of people in ranks unsuited to them. Not to mention, Renji was in the Fifth division before then. The Fifth division had a well-run paperwork system, which disintegrated with the disappearance of Aizen. Furthermore, the Sixth division was, although an offensive unit, also the research and investigation department. If Abarai Renji did not have the skill or the talent, Byakuya would have never taken the man as his fuku-taicho.

Sometimes, he wondered if he had a slightly masochistic tendency for choosing a man who utterly hated him and desired to best him in battle. However, after the strawberry incident, the fire seemed to have died down in a more respectful manner. There was no doubt about it in Byakuya's mind, Renji still saw him as a goal. Lately though, it almost seemed as if their relationship had changed. It was almost akin to friendship.

_How absurd_, thought the sixth division taicho, _friendship? I cannot lower myself to correspond with a subordinate. Although, Renji does have a certain appeal about him. I can certainly understand why Rukia is amicable with him._

Deep inside his heart, Byakuya knew he was lying to himself. It was not only friendship, it was a relationship that was bordering on something more, perhaps, no; he did not dare continued that particular train of thought. His brush paused over a sheet of documentation, dripping ink in blotches as he lost himself in thought.

_It seems even paperwork is not enough to distract myself from pondering the man who is my fuku-taicho_, mused Byakuya, _I shall have to redo this tomorrow. At least I am ahead of schedule._

Placing down his brush, Byakuya straighten his paperwork; and stared at the candle on the edge of his desk. It was a scarlet candle; the wax was dripping down slowly. The color reminded him of his subordinate's hair color, and it was merely on impulse, a sort of indulgence really, that he used it to light his work area tonight. He placed the last of the paperwork away, tucked neatly in its individual folder and was about to leave when he heard running footsteps, slapping hard against the wooden floor.

He merely looked at the boy who slammed opened the door, breathing heavily and shouting, "Kuchiki-taicho. Kuchiki-taicho."

_Rikichi, was it_? mused Byakuya. _That boy who follows Renji around like a star-struck fool. _Sighing inwardly, he addressed the boy. "What is the matter?"

"Kuchiki-taicho, sir, it's Renji. You've got to help him," rushed Rikichi in a blurb of words. "He's being attacked by a man."

Byakuya's heart froze for but a brief second, before he stirred into action. "Stay here," he ordered. He grabbed his Senbonzakura from its stand, flashed into shupon, and honed his reiatsu onto Renji's, wildly seeking that faint blob of energy. Rikichi slid to ground in relief, as he watched Byakuya disappeared in a flurry of scarf and robes. The Sixth division symbol burnt into the back of his eyes as a symbol of strength and pride.

After a moment, Rikichi said to himself, "Wait a moment? Stay here? Does he even know where to go? No, of course he does, Rikichi, he's a taicho. I gotta go help him." He disobeyed orders, and followed the lingering reiatsu of his taicho's.

As he hurried to the Sixth division training grounds, Kuchiki-taicho was irritated. _Who had the audacity to harm my fuku-taicho while he was still injured?_ Byakuya seethed in anger. _Furthermore, who dare to attack a sixth division member in the Sixth division itself? Is there a breach in our security system? Surely, an attack of that level would not go unnoticed. Unless, it was on purpose?_

The stoic captain's reiatsu seethed in fury as he saw the man prepared to rape his fuku-taicho, a most dishonorable act, and his reiatsu lashed out wildly when he heard his lieutenant screamed before being muffled by the man's hand. As he flash-stepped toward the fool who did not even appeared to sense his presence, he took his sword and placed against the man's jugular threateningly.

"Cease your actions immediately," ordered Kuchiki Byakuya, his grey eyes glinting with anger.

The man froze and quickly flash-stepped away from the sword, but not before Byakuya slashed his sword to the left, injuring the man in the left arm.

Ignoring his whimpering lieutenant, who appeared to be unaware of his surroundings, Kuchiku-taicho ordered the man to speak. "What do you desire with my fuku-taicho? "

The man shrugged. "Revenge. It is a simple enough desire," he replied, as he obscenely tucked himself away.

"Revenge? You know him, then?" questioned Byakuya.

"He stopped me from selling the only girl in his group."

Byakuya thought, _only girl? Rukia!_

He attacked the man with his sword recklessly, "How did you enter Seireitei?"

The man laughed and dodged his blade. "How else?" He opened a garganta to Hueco Mundo and slipped through. The man knew he could not beat a man like Kuchiki Bykauya, but he could escape. He had not expected the Sixth division captain to arrive.

Byakuya flashed to Renji's side, and sheathed his blade. It was no use following the man, he had no idea where the portal lead to and what would be waiting on the other side.

He stared down at Rikichi who had arrived during his brief duel with the stranger. Rikichi had pulled Renji's yukuta back down modestly, removed the red cloth from his wrists and was now attempting to ascertain the source of pain. "Rikichi, stop touching him. You are exacerbating the pain," observed Byakuya.

Rikichi immediately halted, and looked at his taicho. "But, Kuchiki-taicho, I can't find the source of injury."

Kneeling down, Byakuya gently brushed a hand over his fuku-taicho's hair. Renji, having gotten used to the pain somewhat, had regained his state of mind during the time his taicho chased off Hiroki. "S-stop it. D-don't-t…t-touch m-mee," he stammered out between whimpers of pain before being lost in the haze of torment again.

Studying the reiatsu in front of him, Byakuya frowned deeply at what he discovered. "Rikichi, leave us. I shall take him to my manor."

Rikichi stared at him with wide eyes. "Kuchiki-taicho, sir, shouldn't we take him to the fourth?"

"Negative," answered Byakuya, as he carefully tried to lift Renji into his arms. It could not be helped, there was bound to be discomfort however he shifted the redhead. Ignoring the mutterings of his lieutenant, he continued, "This is a hado spell that cannot be solved through any healing techniques."

"How'd you know, sir?" questioned Rikichi timidly, he wasn't sure if Kuchiki-taicho would dignify him with a response.

"Do not speak of this to anyone."

Kuchiki-taicho settled Renji as best as he could, and he shuponed away. He did not want anyone to discover this incident, and he knew Rikichi would keep his mouth shut either from fear due to his wrath or out of respect for Renji. The only troubling thing was the solution to ending the hado spell. It was a very delicate situation. Byakuya decided to push it out of his mind until they had reached his manor.


	3. Chapter Three: Solution, what Solution?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N. **So, this chapter is just a little bit longer. I probably didn't catch all the mistakes again, so my apologies. **By the way, Chapter two is re-uploaded with corrections thanks to Kahewei**. Just a note, I hope this chapter turns out well as I think it is one of the hardest to write, trying to out exactly how I want this chapter's mood. And, thanks for reading.

September 8, 2011; Re-upload chapter with corrections by Kahewei.

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter Three: Solution, what Solution?

Kuchiki Byakuya swiftly flew over the yellow rooftops of Seireitei with his precious bundle in his arms. Despite his appearance, Byakuya was a very strong individual. His physical strength was even stronger than Renji's, part of that had to do with the use of his reiryoku, and the other part was he was simply _that_ strong. He was a Kuchiki after all. It was no trouble for him to be carrying a heavy load such as his fuku-taicho. No, the thing that worried Kuchiki Byakuya was if they were seen. He was fairly certain they were not as he knew his own capabilities. He was the fastest person in Soul Society; Yoruichi did not count as she now resided in Karakura.

Inwardly, Byakuya scowled. He hated relying on the special Shunpo: _Utsusemi_ the were-cat taught him, but it proved useful, especially now.

Another moan of pain broke out from Renji's pain-filled mutterings. Byakuya did not think Renji was even aware of what was going on except for the sensation in his nerves. He instinctively urged himself to travel faster, as if doing so would allow him to reach the Kuchiki manor quicker.

He briefly flared his reiatsu as he approached his manor to alert his guards and servants, but they probably already sensed his approach with his reiatsu flaring as wildly as it was. Each personnel attuned to the Kuchiki members' reiatsu signature over the years. For but a brief moment, he hesitated about where he should place his fuku-taicho, but eventually decided to land in the garden outside his rooms. There was no need to wait; his servants were impeccably trained.

"Byakuya-sama," greeted a servant who was already waiting in the garden.

"Kishou," addressed Byakuya. "Prepare two large futons in my quarters. Have a servant bring cooled water, some silk rags and the softest cotton cloths available."

"Hai, Byakuya-sama," said Kishou. As she prepared to left, Byakuya called out and almost as an afterthought, "Bring a dish of warm oil as well."

He shifted Renji in his arms, examining his condition. He was slightly sweaty from the fevered heat of the kido with long strands of hair sticking to his chest and face. It almost reminded him of the days when Hisana lay sick in bed. Renji was even wearing white, the same color Hisana wore during her last months in bed. White. Sickness. Death. The redhead's whimpering seemed to have died down for a moment, and he caught sight of clear cognizant in the brown eyes.

"Renji?"

"T-taicho?" Renji said weakly.

Byakuya with Renji nestled in his arms walked into his rooms. "Renji, are you alert?"

No response. Renji had drifted out again. Byakuya sighed irritably; _this is going to take some time. Time I do not think we have._

He placed the redhead on top of the futon, and noted that everything was in its place, along with the items he had requested.

"Kishou?"

"Hai." She appeared out of nowhere, kneeling before Byakuya-sama.

"I wish for complete privacy. Have the servants stay out of a 60-meter zone around my rooms, and the guards on high alert. I want the guards to patrol more frequently within the next few hours. Await further instructions."

"As you wish, Byakuya-sama."

"You are not to speak of this to anyone."

The servant nodded her acquiesce. "Do you require breakfast for the guest?"

"Possibly. Prepared more than the usual amount. Now, leave us," commanded Byakuya.

As Kishou left with her assigned duties, Byakuya unwrapped his silk scarf from his neck. He fingered the faint bloodstains absentmindedly as he placed it on a wooden chest along with his tekkou. Kishou was his oldest servant, having served the family before he was born. She would not tell anyone what occurred tonight, even if she did not quite understood what was going on. As the head servant, Kishou had a geis on her, preventing her from spilling her master's secrets even if she wanted to. It was the normal protocol for any Kuchiki servant and guards and doubly so for servants with more access. Kuchiki family secrets had to remain secrets.

He shrugged off his haori, tossed it over his scarf, and rolled up his sleeves. Kneeling next to the futon, he checked the yukata his fuku-taicho was wearing. Byakuya frowned as he felt the coarseness of the material. He grabbed one of his old yukata and changed Renji's clothing.

Taking a silk rag, he wiped away the sweat as gently as he could and ignored the pained sighs escaping from the redhead's lungs. He then took the cotton cloth and dipped it in the bowl of water, and brushed it against the overheated body. Byakuya proceeded to gather the silken strands of scarlet and fashioned it into a loose ensemble of a braid. He was hoping for Renji to be coherent again, long enough for him to question him. However, he was prepared to deal with what need to be done if his fuku-taicho did not respond.

It was difficult, knowing the situation at hand. The Kuchiki family was historians; scrolls and scrolls upon books and manuscripts resided in their household. Countless scrolls of information, even some of the most obscure lay in the protective hands of the Kuchiki household. As such, Kuchiki Byakuya knew very well the Hado spell casted upon Renji.

However, he did not think many people knew of the spell, much less how to perform it. The Forbidden Hado, number seventy-two: _GakuKutsuu_ was a spell so horrible; it was stricken from all books. The main issue with the spell was the lack of consent—not only was it physically painful it was also mentally degrading.

It used to be use during extreme times of warfare, but it quickly fell out of use when it was discovered that a person's mind could be so damaged, the person was a shell of their former self. Only with repeated usage, however. The first time did not meet the requirements. But, if what he suspected is true, and Renji's reiatsu patterned seemed to confirmed it, then his fuku-taicho had been under the spell a total of three times.

_What should I do? The only possible way to end the spell is to have sex,_ Byakuya bit his lip in a rare display of emotions. _I cannot do that to Renji. And, I am not even certain if he had sex before._

He frantically racked his brain for any other possible solutions. He came up with one, and even if it was slightly intrusive; it was not as bad as the first option, which he was not willing to do. Byakuya did not think Renji would have allowed it in his normal state of mind; in fact, he was sure Renji would hate him for it.

The best he could do was to bring release to the redhead and not penetrate him. From his recollection, release without penetration would allow the redhead to gain control over his state of mind, and the pain would lessen. However, without the full act of intercourse, the kido spell would stay in place. The pain would flare up after a few days, causing the affected individual to need release again before the cycle repeated itself. Eventually, it would degrade overtime; however, it took several months, sometime years for that to occur. It was not practical for a solider such as Renji when they were at war.

_At the very least,_ Byakuya reasoned. _I can give him the choice with whom to have intercourse with. Intense pain along with intense pleasure…does Renji even have masochistic tendencies? I would think one would have to enjoy pain somewhat to gain release. Although, Renji seems to possess high pain tolerance, he certainly is durable,_ thought Byakuya in remembrance of the first time he set his bankai against his fuku-taicho, and the bloody mess he left behind.

He gently cleaned the wound on the redhead's lower lip, and using a small amount of reiryoku, healed it completely. He did not think Renji would want a scar to remind him of the man. He ignored that fact it was not likely to leave a permanent scar.

"D-don't…" The redhead said weakly.

Byakuya immediately leaned over and grasped him by the arms. "Renji, stay with me," he commanded as he looked him in the eye.

"…s-stop, Hiroki…"

_Hiroki_, thought Byakuya frantically, _is that the name of that man? Does Renji not know where he is and who I am?_

"Ren-_ji_. **Listen** to me," said the taicho. "Are you aware?"  
>"S-stop…t-touchin'…m-me," muttered his fuku-taicho between moans of pain.<p>

Byakuya made a distinct sound of frustration. _He's in pain, and not alert. He's responding to pain, but not to my words. Too bad, I can't slap him to wake him up, _he thought.

_This temporary solution is not a desirable choice. However, I am afraid I do not have another_. He was hoping to wait and have his subordinate make his choice; but he knew time was running out. The best he could do was to subdue the kido, and hope whatever consequences arising out of his involvement would not be immense.

Byakuya said gently to Renji, even if the man was not fully alert to understand, "Renji. I realized you cannot hear me or comprehend my words right now, but I must inform you of what I am doing. It would be dishonorable if I do not at least try. Therefore, I hope you will remember this much at least."

He stroked Renji's hair, and cooled his overheated body with the water. "I hope you will not despise me for touching you in such a manner."

Byakuya knew the design of the kido spell, and as such, he knew the few places the kido did not affect; certain locations which were normally pleasurable for sex, and a few that were unknown. The general areas were the oral, otic, naval, groin, and mammary regions; including of course, the prostate, and the sides of the neck. The few unknown locations differed from person to person; each individual had other sensitive locations that were either natural or artificially acquired over the course of their life, in other words, preferences. Such areas included the feet, fingers, elbow, hair, back, knees, and so on.

These areas were generally left unaffected because they were more directly tied into the spiritrons. The whole crux of the hado was in the name itself. _GakuKutsuu_. Pleasure and pain. The whole principle of the kido was to make a person succumb to pain, enough that the person was willing to do anything to stop it, especially through giving up secrets. Furthermore, the kido main factor was humiliation and shame, hence the pleasure. Enemies would partake in their rivals' bodies and leave them with the shame of being violated, and the knowledge they gave up valuable information just to stop the pain, the knowledge they need sexual gratification to stop the pain; the shame of enjoying the act, the shame of their body betraying them. It was particularly worse for females as they had a chance of being impregnated by the enemy. Not to mention, anyone could end the kido, not just the caster.

Byakuya paused. He could not hold it off any longer. He had to do it or he risked Renji becoming insane from the intensity of the pain. He liked Renji. He did not want to touch his fuku-taicho in such a manner. _Well, not without permission, at least,_ thought the noble who was at war with himself.

He covered the redhead's lap with a thin soft sheet and dipped his hand into the bowl of oil, rubbing it in between his fingers. Steeling himself and hardening his nerves, he slowly brought his right hand underneath the sheet. Byakuya forced his gaze outside, intently focusing on the sakura tree outside his room, yet he was all too aware of his hand sliding across Abarai's hip to the hem of the yukata.

Small whimpers escaped from his throat the moment Byakuya laid his hand on him. The noble tried to soften his touch as he pulled the yukata apart. _Renji, Forgive me._

Byakuya was seated to the left of his fuku-taicho with his head facing Renji's upper body. He had not closed the sliding doors properly, and he could see the large sakura tree just on the edge of his periphery and various plants. He took a breath, and tried not to think about what his right hand was engaging in.

As he slid his hand further beneath the yukata, trailing his fingers upwards, he could not help but noticed how sleek and firm his lieutenant's muscles were. As Renji's taicho, he often had access to the pleasant view of the redhead's body. It was a most marvelous sight, all of the hard planes twisting about and dodging sharp swords, the bulge of muscles as the redhead struggled to defend himself, trickles of sweat running down the chisel chest that glistened in the sun's rays. It was no wonder people watched their training matches thought Byakuya. He was ignorant of the fact that he was also impressive with his pale skin, and cold, grey eyes amidst the swirls of deceptively soft, deadly, sharp petals. The Sixth division taicho and fuku-taicho were easily the best looking pair in the Gotei 13, and crowds were excited by the sight of the pair, and especially so when they fought. Their fight was a contrast of red and black.

The black-haired noble gently glided his hand further up Renji's thigh, enjoying the sensation of—the skin of someone other than himself—smoothness and firmness.

He vainly tried to shove the brief enjoyment down, scolding himself to stay on task. His left hand fisted tightly—nails cutting crescent moons into his flesh—beside him as a reminder.

Byakuya carefully noted the shape of each blossoms he could see as his heart quicken and his breath caught in his throat when his slender hand was almost in reach of that forbidden area. His studies of the sakura tree were futile as he was very capable of multi-tasking.

_Surely, it's enough_, he thought _just to stimulate him there—and no other?_

His hand wrapped itself around the velvet hardness. Byakuya's eyebrows furrowed and his lips stretched into a thin line.

_I cannot believe I am doing this_. _He's a subordinate. But, you have to save his life_ argued his inner self, smirking with glee. _It is merely a convenient excuse_, he scoffed to himself. _I am a noble. I should be able to control myself among temptation._

His eyes narrowed in uncertainty, and he faltered with Abarai Renji's cock in his hand for he had never touched another man's in his entire life.

Then, he decisively gripped the cock firmly, weighing it in his palm. It felt shorter than his own was, but thicker. It was not too different from his own, and to his relief, it was just another penis.

Byakuya was certain he could handle this in a calm and efficient manner. He just had to fondle and ignored the pain whispers that escaped Renji from time to time. He could do this. Slowly, he tightened his grip and began to stroke; but the stoic noble was not prepared for one thing.

Renji moaned. _Pleasurably_.

Startled by the sound, his concentration wavered. He shook his head and resolutely stoked Renji again.

A louder moan, longer and it sounded so lusty.

His focus broke completely, and his gaze immediately shot back to Renji's face.

He wished he hadn't.

The sight of the redhead shifting, arching in pleasure filled his greedy eyes. Byakuya realized when he moved his hand just so, Renji's hips immediately canted toward him, seeking more of the gratifying sensation. The movement riveted him. He delighted in the reactions he was getting out of his subordinate. It was _addicting_.

As if realizing that very enjoyment, he chastised himself for his indecent ponderings. _Stop thinking. Stop touching him, you pervert._

It did not work. His hand would not stop sliding over the warmth of his cock. _Damnit._

He was too intrigued, and his control snapped with the man of his unacknowledged dreams in his rooms, in his hands. He watched as Renji continued to moaned and cried out in pain-filled ecstasy. And, he continued to stroke.

_Grip. Slide. Palm. Squeeze. Twist._

He was doing everything possible to draw out more of those moans, the tiny whimpers falling from those pink lips, the audible 'oh, gods'. Every little sound was audible to his ears, amplified by his large room—he could hear it over the thumping of his own heartbeat.

Byakuya deliberately brushed a finger over the tip, and Renji plead, '_please_'. He swallowed hard, and was surprised to find himself reacting to the sight and sounds. His cheeks were hot. He felt faint and his breathing matching Renji's. He bit his lip in horror at his growing arousal. He should not be reacting. He _shouldn't._

He flushed further, overwhelmed with heat, but he twisted his hand in a quick notion. Almost in a trace, he whispered, "You look…lovely."

Unconsciously, his other hand slipped down his lap, and he squeezed his eyes shut in the sensation. He was wet, and so hard. _So needy._

Yet, the noble could not stop himself from thinking, from looking, from listening. The murmur of bliss-filled sounds was like a symphony to the dark-haired man. He was the conductor who directly and brought forth the music from the orchestra. He played Renji like a fine violin, knowing exactly where to press, which spots drew out what sounds.

The sounds were so familiar to him.

"…_m-more_."

Like Hisana, but not.

"_Renji_."

He dared not trailed his fingers across the rest of the hard planes, the dusky brown nipples peeking out from the gap in the yukata, the sturdy neck, the tantalizing tattoos spread across the tanned canvas or even the hard jaw line of Renji's face—he was tempted though, very much as he licked his dry lips. The sight fueled his desires; just knowing he couldn't touch more was unbearable. Instead, he tried to capture the image in his mind for long, lonely nights ahead, when he wouldn't have his fuku-taicho, spread delectably before him like this.

As Bakuya watched, he couldn't help but rub himself harder, groaning as he did so. It had been so long since he saw another in such a wanton display. He bit his lip, trying to stop from groaning. He slid his left hand through the opening in his hakama, fondling himself further.

_It's a duty_, he struggled to reign in his emotions. Nonetheless, the writhing movements mesmerized his gaze, the crimson fall of hair shimmering from the flickering candlelight taunting him. _It is merely a duty_, he said firmly to himself. _I cannot do more. It is dishonorable. I shouldn't even be doing this._

It felt so good; his reasoning was quickly flying out the window. But, his hands moved beneath the thin sheet and in his pants. He couldn't. It was too much. _So hot_. His breath was short and harsh, struggling to breathe.

Renji's breath caught—his body torn between pleasure and pain.

Byakuya's ears caught the soft hitch and he hastened his stroke. Caught up in the heat of the movement, the sight of Renji's pleasure-filled face, Byakuya unthinkingly commanded, "Come, Renji."

And he did.

Renji came with a loud groan before blacking out. His mind could not take the strain from being in pain for several minutes and the sudden jolt of pleasure any longer. He sunk into a deep state of stupor.

Ribbons of hot, wet liquid flowed onto Byakuya's fingers, and he stroked until there was no more.

He _shuddered_. He had watched till the very end when Renji's eyes fluttered shut and his body held rigid in the peak before release with loose tendrils of hair framing his face. He watched Renji's soft mouth parted to moan and saw the sudden relaxation of his body as he lost conscious. _It felt so good._

Carefully, he pulled his right hand out and stared.

White. Sticky. Another man's semen. _Renji's_.

With all the remnants of his childhood impulsiveness, he automatically darted out a tongue, tasting the white seed.

_Bitter._

_However, it was not unpalatable; it was like his own_, considered Byakuya. _Yet, decidedly Renji's._ Though, he could not explain why. As he contemplated the stolen taste, he realized he should not have done so. He felt slightly guilty as he glanced over at Renji, making certain he was out for the count. He was. Byakuya sighed and wiped his hand off with a wet cloth. He wetted it again and cleaned off his fuku-taicho as well, ignoring his own sticky mess cooling inside his hakama, a most unpleasant feeling.

As he rearranged the yukuta, and re-tucked the sheet around Renji, Byakuya was thinking about how the redhead would react. He made his choice. The only thing he could do was to wait. Byakuya checked to see if everything was in place. He wiped himself down, hoping Renji would not figure out he had jerked off to the sight of him in pain and pleasure. After rearranging his attire, he blew out the candles, and closed the doors behind him.

It was only a few hours till sunrise. He would not get much rest if he went to bed now. He did not think he could stay in the room with Renji unaware, unguarded, not after _that_. Byakuya decided he would be back to check on Renji's condition, hopefully, before the man woke up. Byakuya quietly called a guard to stand outside his rooms, and ordered him to notify him if Renji woke up before he was done. He dare not think about what he had just done. In the meantime, he had some research to do, and some questions to ask. Especially considering an individual named Hiroki.

_Rukia might know_, thought the Sixth division taicho. _They live together on the streets. Perhaps, she had heard his name before. I also need to look into our security. It is only by__** chance**__ Rikichi was there._


	4. Chapter Four: Memories of the Past

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi. Implicit sexual situations.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N.**. This chapter was tricky, tricky enough that I decided to split it into two chapters while I reworked the second half. I almost forgot it's Renji's birthday today, so here's part of the chapter early as a treat. The rest should be up hopefully in a couple of days. And, thanks for reading.

September 8, 2011; Re-upload chapter with corrections by Kahewei.

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter Four: Memories of the Past

It was late in the day; the sun had risen high in the sky. Kuchiki Byakuya, the noblest of nobles, had already sent a messenger to inform the third and fourth seats that Abarai fuku-taicho and himself would not be coming in that day. If there was anything dire, they could send a hell butterfly to the Kuchiki Manor. Not that he needed to explain what to do, but it was best to err on the side of caution; his division was well trained in Shinigami protocol. It was the one thing he prided his division on—efficient, well-run, regulation-followed soldiers.

Byakuya had completed a plethora of objectives during the early morning. He had attended a captains' meeting, consulted with the Kuchiki Clan Council on clan matters, and had overseen the mission deployment schedule. Furthermore, he requested a shinigami to send over the patrolling schedule for the Sixth division, particularly the one from last night. He did not expect it to arrive yet, but he hoped he would receive it before Renji woke up. However, the most informative discussion had occurred around ten-thirty. Byakuya contemplated what he heard in his head, his mind ruthlessly analyzing it and trying to determine in what ways he might utilize it.

_ "Nii-sama," Rukia greeted formally. "You wished to see me?"_

_ "Rukia," he acknowledged._

_ They sat in silence, and took sips of their tea while Rukia silently urged Byakuya to get on with it. This meeting was unanticipated, and she wondered if something was going on._

_ "I have some personal news that pertains to you. I do not want you to be alarm."_

_ Rukia frowned. Surely, it was not that serious. However, Rukia knew her brother did not joke. Except during times when he enjoyed teasing Renji._

_ "It concerns your childhood friend, Abarai Renji."_

_ "Renji?" She was puzzled but she kept her face blank. "What of him?"_

_ "He was—" He struggled to find a way to break the news gently, but in the end, he said, "—attacked."_

_ "ATTACKED? What happened? Where is he?"_

_ Byakuya frowned. He had not intended for her to become agitated. "He is currently residing here—and I do not wish for you to see him until I have assessed his condition."_

_ His gaze soften as he said, "Rukia, do not worry. He is for the most part fine. Although, I fancy he'll be extremely ravenous when he wakes. You may see him when he has recovered."_

_ "—then about the attack?"_

_ "I do not wish you to speak of this to anyone—not even to Kurosaki Ichigo."_

_ Seeing the stubborn look in her eyes, he added, "I understand they are friends. However, until we have determined the situation, we cannot let anyone know. I fear it may put Renji in further danger. I have informed you because you are his friend as well as the fact I need to ask something of you."_

_Byakuya did not mention the lax in Sixth division security during the same night Renji was attacked. It was possible Renji's attack was tied to something more sinister. _

_ "Hai, nii-sama." She idly traced the rim on her teacup; her eyes still had that glint of rebellion. "What happened?"_

_ "I do not know the exact details. From what I understand, Renji was with a man last night in the Sixth division training grounds. Richiki was passing by on his way to his quarters when he saw them. At first, he thought they were lovers—"_

_ "—But he doesn't have any lovers," protested Rukia._

_ Byakuya merely looked at her. "I never said they were, Rukia. Richiki simply saw them in an intimate embrace. When the man slapped Renji, he came to get me. I arrived when the man was attempting to forcibly assault Renji."_

_He paused too long._

_ " Nii-sama?"_

"_In a sexual manner."_

_ A sharp intake of air._

_ "You mean 'rape'?"_

_ He nodded._

_ The petite girl's eyes narrowed and her grip tighten on her teacup._

_ "You stopped him, didn't you? Did you capture him?"_

_ "I was able to prevent that from occurring, yes. However, I did not apprehend the man. It was more prudent to aid Renji first."_

_ "I see," she said coldly._

_ "The man had raven hair and dark, blue eyes. He was tall, approximately 6'5. Lightly muscular. No notable features." The taicho watched Rukia for any signs of recognition. "I do not know his full name. However, I believed Renji mentioned it during a period of incoherency. At least, I hope it's his name. Is the name Hiroki familiar?"_

_ "__**Hiroki**__," she immediately hissed. Abandoning all sense of decorum in front of her brother, she said, "I heard of him. Seen him too. He is a dirty __**scumbag**__."_

_ He was slightly taken back at seeing Rukia display more emotions than usual. Rukia was excessively formal with him. Although, it had reduced a bit after the confession of Hisana's wish. They were both still learning how to be a sister and a brother to each other._

_ "May I enquire as to the identity of this man?"_

_ "Hiroki Katashi—a slime who owned a brothel in Inuzari, Nii-sama. Out of all the brothel owners there, he was the worst, the most hated. Even clients who utilized his __**'services'**__ despised him. He truly was the nastiest person to ever reside in Inuzari. Nii-sama, may I speak frankly?"_

_ "Certainly."_

_ "I am going to tell you something about this man. And, it involves our, mine and Renji's, past," she stated bluntly. "I do not want you to speak of it with Renji. Unless he brings it up. It is not something he wants people to know."_

_ "Very well, Rukia. You have my word."_

_ Her eyes glazed over with memory as she said, "Hiroki was the worst in Inuzari for one thing, and one thing only. He liked to steal children off the street and sell them as slaves—sometimes as prostitutes in his brothel or as personal pets. I made the mistake of stealing from him one day and he caught me. I didn't know who he was then. He had me by the arms, tied me to his wagon. I was pretty sure he was going to sell me, but Renji saw it. We always stole in pairs, safety in numbers._

_ "He grabbed a couple of our gang, and had them pelt Hiroki with rocks. While he was distracted, Renji untied me and pulled me away. Once the others saw that he had me, they made their escape. We both ran, Renji and me, but as we left, Hiroki set off a kido spell. I don't think he meant to hit Renji with it, but Renji pushed me out of the way. He fell to the ground—screaming in pain. I didn't know what was going on. So, I just grabbed him by the hand and we lost Hiroki in the crowd. He doesn't know the streets like we do."_

_ Rukia took a long sip of her tea._

_ "We, we didn't know what Renji was hit with. We tried to help him, but anything we did seemed to hurt him. We wiped off his sweat as he laid there whimpering, but he just shoved us away. After a while, it seemed he was used to the pain. We wanted him to stay so we could watch over him, but he just shrugged it off and said he'll be fine. I knew he wasn't really, but he disappeared the next morning. And, for several months after that. We only knew he was still alive because he left food for us when he could along with his sign—"_

_ "Sign?" Byakuya's lips turned slightly down._

_ "All of us," Rukia explained, "have a sign. A symbol of who we were and what group we're from. It's a marker. I had a snowflake. Renji's was a bunch of weird jagged lines—kind of like his tattoos."_

_ A mark of identification. A way of remembering who we were. A marker to find you if you were dead, added Rukia silently to herself. A marker was everything. It was our pride, our family, our namesake. It meant we __**existed**__. That we were not just someone forgotten and thrown away._

_ "You did eventually find him?"_

_ "No. We couldn't. Renji. He knew the streets the best, lived on it longer. We tried all his usual places, and he wasn't there. He could hide better than any of us. He came back though. All better and healed. But, he wouldn't speak of what happen—he seemed to have forgotten it. Except, he forbade us from ever stealing in or near that section again."_

_ With strong loyalty to her childhood friend, Rukia said without fear to Byakuya, "You will not confront Renji about this. You'll just bring up bad memories. However, if you can, I want to you to kill Hiroki. He is worse than animals; he does not deserve to live. If he is still alive, then—"She tapered off abruptly._

_ Byakuya looked her more closely. She was every bit like her sister in appearances, but her personality and strength were different. She had Hisana's kindness, but she also had the courage to fight for what she believes was right. She was stronger than Hisana._

_ "Very well," said Byakuya. "I will not speak of this matter to Renji unless he mentions it. I promise I will find Hiroki, Rukia." He had already decided to do so. Such a man without fear was dangerous._

_ Her shoulders slumped in relief. "Nii-sama? Do you know what kido was used? I never found any information on it."_

_ "Yes. He casted it on Renji again, which is why I will not allow you to see him."_

_ "Will you tell me what it is?"_

_ "No," he snapped sharply._

_ She spilled her tea in response._

_ Sighing, he handed her a towel. He had not meant to sound so harsh. "No. If Renji wishes to inform you, then you may know. It is not something I want you to know. I believe it may harm Renji's self-esteem, and his pride. It is nothing you need to know."_

_ Rukia looked down. "Hai, nii-sama."_

_ "Although, I would imagine there is information in the Kuchiki archives which is far more extensive than the academy." He relented._

_ He hesitated before adding, "Renji is not completely healed. I will have him arrange to do so. It is a simple solution." However, he did not think it was a solution Renji or Rukia would like._

_ "Thank you."_

_ She started to lift her hand but she dropped it to her side._

_ "I have to visit the Human world for a mission. It shall take a couple of days. I will see Renji when I get back since you will not allow me to see him. Will you inform Renji and tell him I said, 'Get well.'?"_

_ Byakuya tilled his head in agreement._

_ "Thank you, nii-sama."_

_ Then quickly, before she lost her nerve, she leaned over, hugged him briefly, and left immediately._

_ This time, he did not stiffen. It seemed his relationship with Rukia was going well—although, next time he did not wish to see her under such circumstances._

Byakuya seated himself next to Renji's sleeping form. He believed Renji should be up soon, albeit in pain. It was nearly one, and he would be hungry. He had the cook prepared some snacks for Renji, and he was waiting for his servants to bring it up. When Renji wakes, he would inform the cook to start cooking lunch. He wanted his fuku-taicho to eat something hot and substantial. He settled in for a long wait.


	5. Chapter Five: Waking Up to Denial

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi. Implicit sexual situations.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N.**. This chapter was supposed to be up earlier, and I apologized for that. But, I really didn't like it, and I ended up rewriting it, deleting whole scenes, and writing completely new ones. So, hopefully, it will meet your expectations. Once again, please inform me if there are any errors so I can fix them. **Thank you for your reviews.** And, thanks for reading.

September 8, 2011; Re-upload chapter with corrections by Kahewei.

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter Five: Waking Up to Denial

Feelings of panic hit Abarai Renji all at once, and the last thing he remembered was being attacked. Sensing the presence of someone but unable to read it clearly, his eyes snapped open and he shot backwards, scrambling away from the one blurry figure he could see. He tried grabbing his sword, but he didn't find it by his side like usual. His fight-and-flight instinct was in high gear, pure adrenaline pumping high spurred his defensive actions as his reiatsu swirled around him heavily in panicked, jerky motions, ready to lash out at whoever had him. _Feels like I've been mauled by a gang of Gillian. What the hell happened? Where the fuck am I? Shit._ The vice-captain tried to force himself to focus, staring through blurry eyes.

"Renji, calm down."

That voice was familiar, Renji squinted his eyes, studying the figure. "T-taicho?" He guessed. His heart rate was racing high, beating furiously within his chest. His body unconsciously relaxed at hearing _his_ voice.

"Control your reiatsu, Renji."

"W-what?"

_My reiatsu? What is he talkin' about? Oh, shit._ He snapped a tight lid over his reiryoku, forcing it into a compressed ball inside of him.

Immediately, the atmosphere relaxed without the heavy pressure. Staying where he was, Renji rubbed his eyes, and dropped his hands to his sides. _I totally need to get a grip on reality. _

He assessed his body, trying to figure out why he was hurting. He felt sore—much sorer than yesterday. While painful, he could withstand it—_just_ barely.

"Renji."

He looked over at his taicho who was perfectly dressed as usual with his white windflower silk scarf around his neck, his white kenseikan in place, and crisped white captain's haori_._ "T-taicho? What are you doing here?"

"This is my home, Renji."

The fuku-taicho scrunched up his face, and quickly scanned the room. There was large wooden chest on top laid a vase of flowers, two futons—one he noted he had scrambled from, the other looking as if it hadn't been used at all, and a painting on the wall.

"Uh, why am I here, taicho?" He asked, trying to figure out how he got from the training grounds to his fucking taicho's manor. It wasn't every day he woke up in such a place. "Uh, I mean, I was at the Sixth division training grounds, right?"

Kuchiki taicho just stared at him with that damn look like always.

"Do you not remember what had transpired last night?"

"Uh…" He thought a little, then thought some more. _Let's see. There was pain. Some fighting, some more pain. Definitely some more fuckin' pain. Someone touching me. Felt good. Felt damn good. Like I had sex or something. A person. Hiroki. _

_**Hiroki!**_

With that, the rest of his memories locked into place, although, some were a bit nebulous. _Scratched that, make it very fuzzy._

"Kinda, taicho. I was fighting someone. I just dunno how I got here. What happened?"

"Rikichi saw you with an unknown individual."

He fidgeted. "Ah, is that so?"

"You were apparently in distress, and unable to fight," stated the noble.

"Yeah, I remember _that_." Renji was tempted to roll his eyes.

"Rikichi informed me of the situation, and I found you incapacitated. I engaged the male in battle, and he departure through a garganta."

"Ah, I see," Renji said. He looked down, clenching his fists. He had fought Hiroki, and lost. Worst of all, the one man he looked up to saw him in a moment of weakness _again_. He just couldn't do anything right, could he?

"You had a kido placed on you," the Sixth division taicho continued. "Do you know what spell?"

"Yeah, I do," he admitted reluctantly. He refused to look up. He didn't want to see the look of disgust in his taicho's eyes; eyes that sometime told Renji exactly what his taicho was thinking, especially the look of disgust, contempt, arrogance, and the look of dismissal. He hated that look. The one that said he was unworthy, someone not worth remembering. Sure, taicho was nicer and their relationship wasn't like that anymore, but he couldn't help but remembered the scorn in those stoic, grey eyes.

He fingered the tips of his hair. _My hair? He braided it?_

"Are you still in pain?"

Renji could hardly believe his ears, he could have sworn he heard just a hint of concern but he knew his taicho would never put his emotions on display like that.

"No, taicho."

There was no way he was going to admit that.

"Then, you would not mind if I prod you in the arm?"

"'course I mind. Yer gonna poke me for no reason," Renji adamantly denied.

Kuchiki-taicho sat very still.

_And_, Renji thought for sure his taicho had let the matter go.

He hissed in pain. "_Fuck_."

_Obviously not,_ grumbled Renji. _Who the hell uses flash steps to poke someone, anyways? Why Kuchiki Byakuya, Sixth division taicho of the Thirteen Divisions Imperial Guards, of all people; that's who._

"Obviously you are still in pain, Renji."

His shoulders slumped downward, and his bottom lip, almost but not quite, stuck out in a pout. "So, what if I am?"

"It is necessary to judge your pain levels. If you really know what the kido is, then you know why the pain is still present."

_There it was again_, thought Renji. _That smug arrogance_.

He didn't like it.

"'course, I do," scowled Renji. "I can judge my pain level myself, _sir_."

"Then, you remember what occurred while you were under the influence of the hado?"

Renji said defiantly, "Sure, I do. I just don't quite believe it." To be correct, he didn't want to believe it. Taicho touching him? In that manner? He wasn't quite sure how he felt about it. Angry or happy? Embarrassed or guilty? A combination of all the above? He was so confused. The state of confusion made him angry; he didn't want to feel like that. He just wanted to beat shit up, some kind of physical activity that would allow him to expel his heavy emotions. Then, maybe then, he could sit and think properly. His thoughts were jumping all over the place, so he wanted to ignore them, but he couldn't.

"Fuck, I don't believe it. Yer tellin' me that I'm supposed to believe what I'm thinkin'?"

"I do not know what is running through your mind nor do I know what memories you retained."

"Y-you…you…" Renji struggled to compose his words. "…touched me?"

"Time was of essence, I assure you. I do not plan on it."

Renji couldn't wrap his mind around it. He thought Kuchiki Byakuya wouldn't lower himself to do _that_. Everything was slamming into him, and he felt lost, felt like he didn't know what was going on anymore.

Kuchiki taicho's voice cut straight through his thinking. "—Renji, I apologize for touching you inappropriately."

Renji flushed red at hearing those words. It was one thing to remember some foggy images and a bunch of sounds and another actually having it confirmed out in the open.

"Uh…"

"It was necessary in order to relieved you of the pain. I do not wish to see you become insane. I cannot afford to retrain a new fuku-taicho." 

"Ah…it's alright, taicho. Can we _please_ stop talking about it, sir?"

He did not want to have this discussion with his superior. The way taicho was speaking, it sounded like it was a merely a duty that had to be done, instead of concern for a subordinate. It was _humiliating_. He knew what he was like during sex. The few times he actually had no-strings-attached sex, his partners had told him he was vocal in bed, actually, they had termed it 'howling like a bitch in heat'. He didn't remember much. But, he definitely knew he moaned and screamed. The one thing he knew for sure was begging for release, that he actually used the word, 'please.'

_Damn it, I can't believe I said 'please' like a fuckin' dog doin' tricks. Damnit,_ he swore to himself, _taicho actually touched me like that. Sexually. Right there. Kami, someone just kill me now. Wonder if taicho looked? Dear kami, I hope not._

"Very well, then. Renji?"

"Yes?" He looked at him, he was pretty sure he gotten himself under control, although he was still a bit pink in the cheeks. There was no way taicho could read minds, could he?

"Who was that man?"

He stiffened. He should have known that question was coming, but _damnit_, it was something he didn't want to say. It was his own _goddamn_ business. He felt sort of trapped, there in his corner. Those hard, gray stones just seemed to penetrate into his being, as if he knew everything inside Renji's soul. He needed to get out of there. So, he could think things over, and about what had happen. Everything was happening way too fast, and he knew he was freaking out; and when Renji was cornered, he became defensive.

"No one of importance."

He scowled inwardly to himself. _Damn, would he stop staring at me?_

"_Renji."_

"Someone I used ter know, that's all," he shrugged. "If I hadn't been injured—I've never would have been caught like that. I'm sorry you had to touch me like that."

_Probably soiled your white-lily hands._ Except taicho wasn't like that, like other stuck-up nobles, Renji mused, but he couldn't for the dear life of him remember why he thought so. He hates the man, right? Or was that hated? He just wanted a quiet place so he could think. Taicho was just plain confusing.

"_Fuck_. Listen, taicho, can I? I need to be alone…can I just get out of here? I need ter to go—" Renji babbled. _Where's Zabimaru? I can't leave her behind._

Was he truly that weak that he needed to be saved by his taicho? He renewed his promise to himself of becoming stronger. He couldn't afford to be that weak. He learned that lesson long ago. It stunned his pride. _Hard_. He desperately wished he could be alone to think instead having this bizarre situation with his taicho shoved at him upon awakening.

"_Renji_."

Instead, he shoved his emotions down, and decided to deal with only the immediate emotions swirling around. For a man who felt so much, so strongly; he couldn't handle it. _That_ tone of voice seemed stubborn, and full of something, he didn't get. _That_ voice saying he wouldn't allow him to run away from his emotions. _Fuck that_. He looked deliberately over his taicho's shoulder to the painting, and as such, he didn't catch the look of concern._ Huh, bunch of trees and flowery crap. That's just like taicho._

"_Renji_. You—"

Byakuya was interrupted by a knock on the sliding doors. "Kuchiki-sama?"

"You may enter." His eyes shuttered all glimpses of emotions away, and his voice was frosty.

Renji was relieved.

The servant immediately placed little plates and bowls of snacks between Kuchiki taicho and Abarai fuku-taicho. There was a wide variety of offerings, from assortments of fruits, such apples and peaches to cakes such as taiyaki. Renji couldn't help but gazed at them intently, trying to distract himself until he could escape.

"Would you like us to start preparing lunch, Kuchiki-sama?"

"Hai. Abarai fuku-taicho will be joining us. Remind the chef to prepare some of the dishes without peppers this time."  
><em>He knows that I don't like spicy food?<em> thought Renji, _Didn't think he pay attention to stuff like that._

"Hai, Kuchiki-sama."

"You are dismissed."

Renji just sat there, uncertain of what to do. He was thrown off balance by Kuchiki-taicho's calmness, the sudden entry of the servant threw the whole situation in a downward spiral. He watched as Kuchiki-taicho picked up a pair of black, bamboo chopsticks. He almost fidgeted when those grey orbs landed on him.

"You are going to eat, are you?" The Sixth division taicho of the Gotei 13 sounded slightly amused at his stillness. "I would imagine you are famished since it is now past two."

He was about to open his mouth to ask, "What the fuck, who says I'm gonna eat lunch with you?" and thus, make his escape, but at that moment, the lieutenant's stomach growled noisily.

Renji flushed red and he said, "I…yeah, I am."

He picked up his chopsticks, and hesitated. "Um, I don't think I could eat all of this if we're going to have lunch right after, taicho. You're going to have a lot of leftovers."

"You do not need to worry, Renji. There will not be any leftovers. My servants will consume any food we do not finish. There is no wasted food in this household."

He paused, lost in a distant memory, before continuing, "These snacks are merely to tide us over until they have finish making lunch. You are still recovering from the attack with the hollow, so I believe you are ravenous. You need to consume more to replenish your store of reiryoku, Renji."

"Ah, in that case, I'll just dig in." Going with the flow, Renji plopped a piece of peach in his mouth, savoring the sweet taste.

It was nice that the atmosphere had finally relaxed back to their usual state, sort of. He still felt edgy, but taicho seemed to be willing to ignore what happened and play along with him. As long as they didn't talk about with what happen last night, Renji could deal. They sat in peace for a while, as they consumed their snacks and occasionally discussing the affairs of the Sixth.

However, the redhead noticed that his captain seemed distracted. "Sir, something's on your mind?"

Kuchiki-taicho paused with his chopsticks, before nodding.

"You want to talk about it?" he offered. Renji wondered if it had to do with the lax in security last night. He didn't want to discuss the attack, but he had been wondering about the security. It was his duty as fuku-taicho after all. It just seemed odd that only Rikichi and taicho showed up.

"_Renji_," said the noble. "Rikichi and Rukia know that you were attacked. Rukia requested I tell you she said 'Get well'."

Renji flinched at the unexpected turn in conversation. "You didn't tell Rukia, did you? She doesn't need to know about that."

"I did inform Rukia." He assessed Renji's face, noting the pallor flesh. "Should I've not? She is your best friend, correct?"

Renji groaned and ran a hand through his hair. "Gods, taicho. That's not the point. It's _Rukia_, we're talkin' about here. You know what she's like. She's gonna worry and be a mother hen and all that crap. I'm gonna suffer that shit, she calls chicken soup. 'sides, she got other stuff to do, more important too."

"You underestimated Rukia, Renji. I know you give Rukia her due as a soldier unlike Kurosaki. However, should you not do the same as friends? If I had not informed her, she would have discovered the truth later. She would have been more worried as well as being angry."

His mouth curved upward in a slight smile. "I think you know very well the consequences of making her livid. You have been on the receiving end quite a number of times."

Renji snorted. "Yeah, I do. A darn firecracker," he said, thinking fondly of all the times Rukia punched him. _Damn that hurt._

"In any case, you should know as a friend, she would respect your privacy if you so desire it. Rukia, she does not know what the purpose of the kido was, does she?"

"Wait, why would you think Rukia knows about the kido?" asked Renji, waving his chopsticks around. "Don't you mean, whether or not she had seen the kido before, don't you?"

"No. I mean exactly what I said. Do not make me repeat myself, Renji. I know that you have been under the kido three times, Renji?"

"How'd you know that? And, why would you think Rukia knows?"

"During my years in the academy, I developed a fond interest in reiatsu patterns. I learned to interpret and read them very well. While you were incoherent, I looked at your reiatsu to determine what kido was used on you. Your reiatsu indicated you had this same spell casted on you three times. It also indicated the first time it occurred was several years ago, around the time you and Rukia were still in Inuzari. Logically, if the two of you are friends, then Rukia must have seen or at least know that you were hit by a kido.

"I do not think Rukia is the type of person to not notice when something is wrong with her friends. _Especially_, if you and her are as close as she said you were."

Renji sighed. "Yeah. She always looked out for us. Me and Rukia, we're the parents, the older siblings, of our group. She always takes too much onto herself. Still, I would rather she didn't know."

"Renji, I know you do not wish to speak of last night, but we need to."

He made a distinct sound of disgust. "Fine, only 'cause I know we need to talk about security. You and I both looked over the schedule; there shouldn't be nobody there. Our members should have been patrolling every twenty to forty minutes, and they can sense a disturbance, at least they should."

_Just don't ask me about Hiroki,_ prayed Renji. _Don't talk about it. Don't tell me what you did. Just don't._

"Actually, I wish to discuss with you the solution of the kido."

Renji flushed hotly at the reminder of his taicho touching him. _It felt good, but still, it's taicho you're talking about here_, thought Renji. _I can't believe __**he**__ touched me. I liked it?_

"What about it," he said defensively.

"Yesterday, when I fondled you, it was only a temporary solution."

_Damn, how come he can say that with a straight face?_

"Yeah, I _know_ that."

Kuchiki-taicho took a sip of tea. "Have you had sexual relations before?"

"W-what?" Renji chocked on his mango slice. "None of your _goddamn_ business." He added, "Sir," after a moment, remembering that this was this taicho and he could get in trouble for insubordination.

"It is my business, if your health is interfering with your duties as fuku-taicho in my division, _Abarai fuku-taicho_."

"_Sir_," he said curtly.

"_Fuku-taicho_."

"I have." He admitted.

"Then, I trust you will be able to find someone, perhaps a lover, to help you with this problem?"

"Hai."

There was no way he was going to admit he didn't have a lover nor was he going to admit he wasn't planning on having sex at all. Renji reasoned that if he had survived the first time without sex, just plain masturbation till the spell broke, then he could very well do it again.

_Besides, it's not like I'm gonna feel horny with this pain_, he mused ruefully. He didn't feel like meaningless sex at the moment. _Plus, there's the fact that I am a virgin, well, in that way. I haven't even been in a relationship before for fuck's sake, so, how I'm supposed to find someone to do that with. 'sides, there's no __**fucking**__ way in hell I'm gonna bottom. _

"I suggest you find someone soon. As you very well know, we are still down a number of squads. We are one of the few active ones; we cannot afford to have an officer down."

"Yes, sir."

"Do you wish to go see Unohana-taicho?"

Renji shook his head. "Nah, I know nothing can help with the pain." _'sides, I don't want anyone else to know. Just taicho and Rukia's bad enough._

"Very well," said Kuchiki-taicho. "Shall we continue our discussion in the dining room? I believe lunch should be almost ready."

"No problem, sir. Wait, my sword?"

"It is in the dining room. I believe Senbonzakura is keeping her company."

His hands itched to hold his sword, his anchor to reality. He'll escape after lunch, after sitting awhile and pretending he was fine. Because, he wasn't. Abarai Renji was going to run, and he wasn't going to let anyone stop him, not even his taicho.


	6. Chapter Six: Dwelling in the Past

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi. Implicit sexual situations. **Disturbing, graphic imagery.**

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N.**. I really hope you guys read the warning for this chapter. We're going to take a dive into Renji's mind, so that was your warning (the bold words). I wasn't intending on writing this, but the plot has run amok with itself, and I needed to flesh out the story more. Do you guys even read author's notes? Once again, please inform me if there are any errors so I can fix them. Thank you for your reviews. And, thanks for reading.

A.N.N. I will be posting the chapters first before I post the edited chapters by Kahewai, who has kindly agreed to be my beta-reader.

September 9, 2011; Re-upload with corrections by Kahewei

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter Six: Dwelling in the Past

He was running. The wind slipped through his hair, entangling the ends. He couldn't breathe. He didn't want to feel. _Guilt. Hate. Humiliation. Enjoyment. Disgust. Pleasure._ His heart was pounding heavily, and he was tired, but he didn't want to stop. He had to keep running. Every single part of his body ached. _Pain._ He ignored it. Pain was nothing. It made him feel. It allowed him to block out his emotions. He just wanted to stop thinking. Stop replaying his foggy memories over and over again.

He just wanted it to stop.

Abarai Renji was not a coward. But, damnit, this was one situation, he didn't think he could handle. He wasn't sure what to do or what to think.

He fell. Hard and heavily against the dirt ground of the forest around him, and he lost it. He scrambled to find purchase against the ground, fingers grasping wildly at twigs and leaves. His hand landed on a rough surface. _Bark. Tree._ He laughed bitterly, and he clung to it. He wrapped both of his arms around the thick, rough bark.

The roughness of it aggravated his pain further, but he relished in it—anything to stop feeling. Why couldn't he stop feeling?

He was grateful that Kuchiki Byakuya didn't stop him. _That _he didn't follow. He didn't think he could have dealt with the stern, harsh mask of his captain along with those hard steel eyes, cold and unfeeling. The man who made him feel, feel more than he ever had before.

He just needed some time to himself. And, he had it.

His right hand reached down and wrapped around the hilt of Zabimaru. He clutched it tightly, almost crying in relief. _Zabimaru. Zabi. Gods, Zabi. It's still here, thank gods._ He could breathe now. Alone.

He was furious.

Running wasn't enough. He pulled out his zanpakuto, and he pushed himself off the ground unsteadily. He was angry. Livid. The befuddled redhead took his sword and started to attack the tree. He moved fast, and struck as if he was in an uncontrollable frenzy.

"_Horeo_, Zabimaru."

His shikai did not appear. He almost howled with despair, but then, he remembered his reiryokou was low. He was incensed further, at being unable to call forth his faithful companion. His hair was loose; he had lost his ribbon sometime ago during his flight. He clenched his fists tightly and pounded them hard against the ground, screaming with agony.

It _felt_ good. So, he did it again and again, until finally he was spent.

Tired and in pain, he gave into his weariness.

He slumped against a tree with his eyes closed shut, breathing harshly. He just sat there, his heart racing wildly, as he tried to calm down. He had enough of feeling. He had enough.

Renji calmed his reiatsu, slowly bringing it back into him. He focused on shaping it back into a compressed ball, even though occasionally, it keep spiking. He tilted his head down, his long mane of hair falling down and concealing his face from view.

He gently stoked the blade of his sword that lay in his lap.

His fingers caressed the steel blade from the hilt to the midway point and back again, and his heart rate slowly easing down to a more normal pulse with each gentle caress of the blade. He sensed Zabimaru sending tredils of comforting reiatsu toward him. Renji was grateful, but he did not speak to it. He could acutely feel the pain now, and he almost regretted his anger-fuelled actions. Yet, he enjoyed the tiredness of his limbs, the pain from the kido, the heaviness of his breathing— all serving to anchor him to reality, it made him feel alive.

The coldness of the metal, the smoothness in its design, and the sharpness of the edge were real. _Real._ He delicately ran a finger along the razor edge, and watched a small bead of crimson liquid ebbed from his fingertip. Renji grimaced at the headiness of the pain and tasted the saltiness of life. He never felt more alive, more real, than in those moments. Times where pain and emotions blurred together, honing and sharpening his senses to an unimaginable extent; times where after running he could taste the bitterness of crying and the sweetness of laughter; times where the falling rain trickling down his face hiding his loneliness; times in which he felt and saw deeply.

It was times like these, he could truly think. _Calmly. Rationally._ Only after he had spent his emotions, after the feral flow of feeling, feeling so much that he sometimes thought his heart would burst.

Abarai Renji was a man who felt so much, and so deeply, that every single emotion consumed him with a crazed fervor. It was the reason for his impulsiveness, his brashness, and his 'fuck-you' attitude. Yet, years of patience, hard work, and the cruel reality of his childhood tempered his passion.

A man who felt so much that he had to spend his emotions before he could think, then he would think. He would think long and hard, deeply, always re-defining himself and his goals. He would contemplate, reflecting long and hard. However, once he was done, he did. He would do. No second thoughts, no worries, because he had made his decision; he wouldn't think about it again unless his actions threw him for another loop. No second thoughts, and his firm belief in himself, _his_ conviction, allowed him to be impulsive.

He settled himself down to think and think hard. There were two things foremost in his mind: Hiroki and taicho. He didn't want to think about Hiroki. Hiroki was a man he hated. Both Renji and Rukia hated that bastard. Just his very name provoked anger and brought long buried memories to the surface. Memories he wanted to forget.

He thought instead about his taicho, a more pleasant contemplation, his beautiful, seemingly perfect captain, Kuchiki Byakuya, Sixth Division taicho of the Thirteen Divisions Imperial Guards. His taicho who touched him, who made him feel perplexed.

_And_, he was confused. His emotions were a jumble of colors mashed together like a ball of squishy noodles, so tangled that he almost couldn't separate each emotion he was feeling toward that man. He couldn't help but compared his fuzzy memories with memories of past sexual encounters.

Renji had sex of course, what man his age hadn't. Sex was nothing unusual. It simply was. Male or female, it didn't matter to him. It was the person who captivated him. The first time he did it was nothing special. It was something to try out with a classmate. It was all right, but he didn't feel a thing for her. The next time he had sex was with a male classmate. And, it was alright too. He didn't let the other guy top him, of course. It was nothing personal, he just didn't bottom. He learned during his childhood to never bottom, and he never did. There was just no fucking way in hell, Abarai Renji would bottom.

He had sex before, and to him it was just all right. Nothing special, just something that felt good. Nothing to go bonanzas over, and a hole was a hole whether it was a male or female. So, why was it that he, Abarai Renji, fuku-taicho of the Sixth division was so baffled by being fondled by Kuchiki Byakuya? What made it so different?

Because it was. Different, that is. Renji pondered that question in his mind. _I liked it? I liiiiked it? I…liked it? I…like it. Hell, I fuckin' enjoyed it. Why though? I mean it's taicho. Does having emotions really make that much of a difference?_

Because taicho was different. It was only a hand job, but somehow, it was more. Something, he couldn't quite explain. The redhead supposed that it was the emotional factor. He had hated Byakuya with a strong vehemence; then he respected and admired the man. And, somewhere along the line, admiration had turned into a relationship he couldn't call friendship. Because it wasn't. It was something more than friendship, but not exactly love? Their relationship was a sort of in-between state, and the best he could do if he had to give a name was migration. The state of transforming one relationship to another, a dance that was weaved between him and taicho, each of them testing each other and their boundaries. He would have called it 'falling in love', except for one thing. Taicho seemed unwilling to acknowledge their relationship. Working relations, yes; sort-of friendship relations, yes; potential love interest, hell no; because taicho was proper, he was a noble, a man who recognized the difference between personal desires and public duty.

_Yes, I enjoyed it. Loved it actually_, he thought. _And, it can never go anywhere._

Renji was extremely embarrassed because it was taicho who saw him that way, in that manner. Taicho who saw him stripped bare and naked—emotionally, figuratively, and literally. Taicho who saw a side of him he didn't want to be seen until it was mutual.

He was also angry, very angry as well. He was weak again. _Seems like taicho's always saving my butt in some way._ He was angry with himself. Being saved like a damsel in distress stunned his pride. He promised himself that he would be stronger, strong enough to protect the one he loved and cherished, to protect his chosen family. The young lieutenant did not see what others saw. He was confident enough in all areas except when it came to his captain. His captain was his blind spot, his _weakness_. He did not understand nor recognized the gesture his captain had given him so long ago. The offer to watch his back was not something to be taken lightly. Kuchiki Byakuya saw Abarai Renji as equal to him in status, enough that he would trust him to watch his back, an equal partnership of defending and attacking with each other. Until Renji finally understood that fact, he would never be truly equal to his captain. His view kept them apart, for a man has to feel, understand, and accept his right to stand side by side as a united front. However, he was not totally at fault. His captain sought to keep them apart due to a sense of duty, a fondness for regulations, and fear.

He was also happy. He craved the physical touch of Byakuya and he received it in a way unexpected. He was always looking, always lusting, but never touching. Always falling behind, always the monkey reaching for the moon, except he wasn't the monkey. He was a man, human. Yet, he felt he wasn't worthy. Sometimes, Renji thought too much about class differences. He couldn't convince himself that he was worthy even with everything he had accomplished in his life.

Yet, he was also hesitant. _Shit, how am I supposed to act? Might as well just chire my ass and be done with it? A subordinate and his captain? It doesn't fucking work. _He didn't know how his taicho's intimate actions would change their relationship. And, he wasn't quite sure he wanted it to change. There was a chance it would all blow up in his face, and his current relationship with his taicho, so carefully balanced on its pinnacle, would crumble to pieces and never recover. It was one of the reasons why he didn't pursue a relationship with Byakuya.

He couldn't think about taicho anymore. Thinking about taicho was like a landmine. He would inadvertently get hurt. Yet, if he didn't, he turned to more bitter memories. He could never get a complete grasp on his feelings toward his captain, nor did he have the words to describe it. His relationship with taicho simply was.

His focus on his feelings with his taicho was going nowhere. His memories were too fresh. He did not even want to begin tackling the issue of consent. _I like taicho, yet he touched me without permission, is that rape? Or is it alright? Arggh, I don't wanna think about this shit._ He would deal with the rest of his feelings later. It gave him a headache trying to figure out his new and old feelings toward Byakuya-san. Instead, he directed his thoughts toward Hiroki, that _damnable_ bastard.

He sighed in frustration, and ran a hand through his thick hair, gripping tightly as he remembered the reason why he hated that bastard so much. The reason why he let Rukia go with Kuchiki-taicho, the reason why he and Rukia lost everyone, why they were left behind. The reason why, to this very day, his very name sent chills down his back; the reason why he and Rukia still had nightmares, waking up with sweat drenched clothes and screams from their lips.

The reason why…

_ Suki, Tako, and Kiri were laughing as they played a game of tag in the clearing by a shack. It's been a few months since that day when Rukia was almost captured and sold. Rukia smiled fondly at the youngest members of their group. Renji and Rukia were the oldest of their gang—the wisest and most street-smart. The petite girl glanced over to Renji who was sitting beneath the shade of a tree._

_ Renji had only come back to them a week ago. And, although he said he was fine, his cheeks were still pale, a deathly white. His eyes were bright and shiny. Rukia didn't know what Renji was hit with and Renji wouldn't tell her. She didn't like it, but she didn't press the matter. Rukia knew he was stubborn, and pig-headed. She wasn't dumb, she had the perception it was something bad. She felt guilty that Renji was hit with the kido, and relived that it wasn't her. She pushed her feelings aside._

_ There was no use in wishing if things had happened differently. In Inuzuri, district seventy-eight, life goes on. There was no time for wishing, dreaming, what-ifs; people had to move on—it was survival of the fittest at its height._

_ "Oi, Rukia!"_

_ She looked over at the red-haired boy._

_ "Whatcha doin'? Standin' there an' lookin' all gloomy?"_

_ "Just thinking about the children."_

_ Renji nodded and said solemnly, "We'll get by, we always do."_

_ "It's goin' to be winter soon. I can see that Suki, Pako, an' Dai are gonna get sick. They have poor health."_

_ "Then, we steal some blankets if we hafta. They'll get through it alright. If they don't, then they weren't strong enough. Just don't try ter kill 'em with yer chicken soup. That's shit's nasty." He made a face with his eyes crossed._

_ Rukia scowled and punched Renji hard in the shoulder._

_ "Ren, ren, ren," cried Pako as he ran towards them._

_ "Yeah, wat's—" He fell to the ground with the force of Pako's impact, grunting in pain._

_ "Ruki-nee. Nee-san. Ren," said Nori as he tugged Rukia's yukata._

_ "You brats, get off Renji," growled Rukia, as she dragged Pako off the redhead._

_ Renji sat up and scratched his stomach. "Oi, wat's up? Wat's the rush?"_

_ "Ren, ren, it's so awful," wailed Pako. "I wanna hug, Ruki-nee."_

_ Rukia sat down next to Renji, and wrapped her arms around Pako as Nori scrambled into Renji's lap. _

_ "Wow, calm down. Somethin' really get ter ya, huh?" said Renji as he rubbed the top of the boy's head. "Just spit it out."_

_ "I heard somethin' awful," said Pako._

_ "I hear 's it too," agreed Nori, "awful, awful."_

_ "Yeah, awful. Yer gonna die an' leave us all alone, aren't ya?" asked Pako, very seriously. "Ya an' Rukie, gonna leave us? Ya gotta promise ya won't. Ren, ya gotta swear it."_

_ "Promise, Ruki-nee. Ya gotta promise."_

_ Renji shared a look with Rukia, and sighed. "Wat makes yer think we're gonna die, shortstuff? We ain't goin' nowhere."_

_ "Yes, Renji's right. We're stayin' with you guys here."_

_ "Wah, they're gonna die," cried Suki after overhearing only the 'die' part._

_ "No, we're not," growled Renji in frustration, "Wat's the matter with ya?"_

_ "Ah, you might as well all listen," said Rukia. "So, Pako and Nori don't scare everybody. C'mon, guys, get over here."_

_ Tako, Kiri, Dai, Sho, Kuro, and Juro scrambled over and surrounded them in a messy, jagged circle._

_ Rukia hugged Pako tightly. "What's so awful?"_

_ Whimpering, Nori mumbled into Renji's yukata, "Old man Shou said some guy's after ya. Gonna kill ya."_

_ "Both of ya," added Pako. "Old man Shou said it cuz Rukia's a girl an' Renji's look like a girl. Sumthin' 'bout revenge."_

_ "Yeah. I think he said it was Hiro..hiki..hiroki…" Nori's eyebrows furrowed in concentration. "Hiroki."_

_ "Yeah, Hiroki," confirmed Pako. "dat baddie guy."_

_ "No way," shouted Dai. "Ruki-nee is too strong fer that."_

_ "Yeah," said Kuro adamantly, "An' Ruki-nee and Ren gots that special power. Ain't nobody gonna mess with 'em."_

_ "But, but, I heard somebody was killed," said Pako._

_ "Dead. Like dead dead, ya know," said Nori, "the kind ya never wakie from."_

_ "Hiroki?" Renji muttered. "Who ya talk ter?"_

_ "Old man Shou, um, the one who sometimes leave us stuff?" said Pako._

_ "Old man Shou, Tako Shou," said Nori. "Slimy tako."_

_ "I see," said Renji. "Well, ya guys don't have nuthin' to worry 'bout. Ya been listenin' ter too much rumors 'gain."_

_ Rukia nodded in agreement. "Too much rumors. If yer really worry though, Renji and I will go see Old Shou."_

_ "Yeah, we'll talk to Old Shou, ya see there's nuthin' to worry 'bout. C'mon, why don't all of ya go hid in the shack? Me an' Ruki will be back with food and stuff."_

_ "Promise ya be careful?" asked Pako, holding out a pinky. _

_ "Yeah, promise," laughed Renji._

_ "No, no, no, ya gotta pinky promise," Pako said stubbornly. His eyes watered and his bottom lip thrust out in a stubborn pout._

_ Renji smiled fondly at Pako, and kneeled down, holding out his pink, wrapping around Pako's. "'kay, pinky promise. Just stay with the others, kay?"_

_ "'kay."_

_ Pako and the others quickly hugged both Renji and Rukia before running into the shack._

_ Renji and Rukia watched them and made sure they were fully hidden from sight before walking toward the alleyway. Their smiles dropped as they walked further into the tight, cramp and foul-smelling walls._

_ "Hiroki," murmured Rukia. "Renji, you don't think?"_

_ "Maybe, I dunno. But we're gonna find out."_

_ They were both thinking the same thing about the incident that happened a while ago._

_ The two of them made their way quickly through the maze that was Rukongai, district seventy-eight: Hanging Dog. They kept close together, watching each other's back. They always traveled in pairs, less chance of someone overcoming them, and it was good to have a partner when stealing things. _

_ "Oi, Old man," called out Renji._

_ "Old Shou," greeted Rukia._

_ The old shopkeeper looked over at the two ruffians in front of his stall of takos and eels. "What are ya two doin' here?"_

_ Renji frowned. "Came to get some information."_

_ "You've been scaring our kids," scolded Rukia. "What lies have ya been tellin' them?"_

_ "I haven't been tellin' lies," denied Old Shou._

_ "If ya haven't, then ya better tell me wat's goin' on,' said Renji. "Pako and Nori said it had ter do with Hiroki?"_

_ The old man glanced around, and wiped his grubby, greasy hands on an equally filthy cloth. "Mebbe the two of ya gotta come inside. Don't need no one listenin' in. 'tis not somethin' to be said out in the open, like that. Stuff like this gonna git ya killed."_

_ He pulled the flap behind him to the side. "Git in."_

_ Renji and Rukia shared a look that spoke volumes. Renji jerked with his eyes toward the stall. Rukia minutely shook her head. His eyes narrowed and his lips stretched thinly. Her eyes gazed into Renji's and with a twitch of her eyes, she agreed. The two of them slowly, but warily entered the stall. Just because Old man Shou was an ally didn't mean he wouldn't backstab them the first chance he got. Their relationship was a mutual, but beneficial one._

_ When the three of them were inside, the shopkeeper plopped himself, down on a wooden, creaky chair._

_ "Ya didn't hear it from me," he began. "But, the word's out Hiroki out fer ya. He wants yer blood. Seems he lost a pretty penny when ya kept him from stealin' her. Out fer vengeance. Or so they say."_

_ Renji and Rukia were startled by this news. Rukia was just one of many girls. There were plenty of other potential victims, yet, Hiroki chose to focus on them. However, they kept their faces blank as they continued to listen. Sometimes, emotions were a weakness. It was best only to show anger and coldness. Being nice was what got people killed in Inuzuri._

_ "Lemme see. They say he lost his business. All of the upper-ups pulled out. Seems that girl worth sumthin'. They say he's out for a redhead boy with a tiny girl. Out for ya, Abarai—seems he liked yer looks, an' he wants yer to pay. Simple as that."_

_ Renji's eyes narrowed shrewdly. "You know sumthin' more, Old man. That's stuff common knowledge. Wat's the real reason?"_

_ He chuckled bitterly. "Ain't sumthin' ya wanna know, boy."_

_ "We'll be the judge of that," spoke Rukia. "It seems ya want us ter know. If you didn't, ya wouldn't have mouthed off ter Pako and Nori."_

_ "I'm sayin' watch yer backs. Ya gotta watch yer back."_

_ "Gimme the damn reason," scowled Renji, "we don't need ya advice. Yer don't give a damn."_

_ "What do ya want?" asked Rukia. "Seems like there's somethin' ya need."_

_ The tako shopkeeper's eyes glinted greedily. "I know ya got some seeds. Apple seed, I heard. Ya could sell that fer a lot in the right places."_

_ Rukia paled, and Renji gritted his teeth. How did Old man Shou know about that? Apple seeds were worth a lot especially to the merchants who sold to the wealthy. They had been trying to find the right buyer before they would sell them. It would have gotten them through the rest of winter. One of the boys, Dai, had stumbled across them by accident. They had been planning their budget and counting on the seeds for extra supplements._

_ He bared his teeth, looking very much like the shark he was. "'course ya don't wanna give sumthin' up like that. Very precious. But, is it worth more than yer life?"_

_ "Our life?" Rukia questioned._

_ "Seems we're on the bad side of this conversation," said Renji. "Ya know more than yer tellin'. Ya got an advantage. Is yer knowledge really worth that much?"_

_ "I ain't askin' fer much," he shrugged. "It's yer call, either way."_

_ Renji slid closer to Rukia. "Whaddya think?"_

_ "I dunno. The little ones are really scared."_

_ "If it's Hiroki, then I don't think we can ignore this."_

_ "I don't think so either. Renji, let's give him the seeds."_

_ "Fine. Only, after he forfeit what he knows."_

_ "I'm so sorry, Renji."_

_ "Nah, somethin' was gonna happen either way. 'sides, I don't like the sounds of this."_

_ "Oi, Old man, fine. Seeds in 'change for what ya know," said Renji as he cracked his knuckles. "Just remember ya pay if we find out yer lyin' bastard."_

_ "Payment up front."_

_ "No way. One seed now, the rest afterwards," bargained Rukia._

_ Shou shook his head. "Ya think I'm jerkin' with ya. I ain't gonna make nuthin' off that. Five seeds."_

_ "Too high," stated Renji. "Ya must want the seeds too bad. I say one's enough."_

_ "My information is worth a high price," said Old man Shou. He rubbed a dirty hand over his stubble. "Four seeds."_

_ "Two seeds, and the rest later," said Rukia firmly._

_ "Three seeds."_

_ "No, two seeds and that's final," said Renji. "'sides what are ya worried 'bout. If yer information is truly worth that much, ya get the rest of the seeds later."_

_ "Two seeds is it," he grumbled irritably. "Pay up."_

_ Rukia reached a hand into her obi and pulled out two seeds. She dropped it into his open palm. "There. Now talk."_

_ "Ya find what yer lookin' for in an alley. Ya smelled it before ya see it. Down by Goro's fish stall, through the alley, turn left and right after two opening. It ain't pretty."_

_ He lifted the thin, gray cloth, allowing the dim light to banish the lurking shadows on the orphans' faces. It was almost dark. "I expect ya back 'morrow. I suspect ya toss yer cookies long before ya able to come back. Just know. I can find ya easily. Nori and Pako are easy to snatch."_

_ Renji glared at him while Rukia nodded her head sharply._

_ "I'm just sayin'. Now scramble."_

_ With formidable talent and skill, Renji and Rukia quickly blended into the dark, shady streets, leaving no traces of their presence. They navigated the alleyways like moles in murky labyrinths, swiftly and soundless. _

_ Rukia perched herself on an old, rotting wooden crate as Renji leaned against the slimy, moldy wall besides her. They contemplated the advice and information they gained. _

_ "Do we go?"_

_ "Seems like a waste if we don't," said Renji. "He got two of our seeds."_

_ Rukia turned the sentence over in her head as she mused hard on a single decision that would inadvertently change their lives. _

_ "Sa, wat's the verdict?"_

_ Rukia looked into the bright brown eyes and found her answer._

_ Her voice was steady as she said, "You know."_

_ "Aa, I do."_

_ With that said, they set forth and obeyed the instructions given._

_**Down by Goro's fish stall.**_

_ Rukia ducked beneath between someone's legs as Renji leaped over him, following a twisted path toward the familiar grey covered stall, with the mouths of fish gaping open—dead and smelling foul. Pink and red blood dripped steadily down the slippery scales, and pooled next to a pile of fly-littered guts. A hand missing its middle finger with blacken nails chopped its fishy victim that had yellow eyes bulging out. Rukia hated the fish merchant. The dead fish lying on their sides often reminded her of death, of potential death. She was afraid._

_**Through the alleyway.**_

_ Renji took a hold of Rukia's hand firmly, and pushed her behind him. Night had fallen, and he could smell the pungent air—sharp and acidic—a smell belonging to the streets of Rukongai alone. Rukia lightly shivered, and he brushed an arm against her. He idly wondered about what he might see, before shrugging it off. He was cold._

_**Turn left.**_

_ A couple of old, withered men wrapped in bundles of rags, huddled together around a dimly, glowing fire. The heat was not sufficient for warmth; it was merely for comfort. Rukia clung closer to Renji, one of her hand tightly fisted in the back of his worn yukata. She grimaced as one of the men laugh bitterly and harshly, "Wat's a couple of kids like yer wanderin' down here."_

_ His companion added, "Come ter play, have ya? Ya ain't old enough."_

_ The first man's sunken eyes and wrinkled face were revolting. Yellowed teeth with gaps smiled crookedly, forming inaudible words._

_ Renji just held onto Rukia tightly and they almost, but not quite, scampered out of there._

_ "Go home." The voices were echoing through the dank enclosure, cutting sharply through the windy night._

_ "Go home."_

_**Right after two opening.**_

_ The crescent moon shone eerily down upon two small forms that were making their way slowly past the two apertures on their right. Renji and Rukia could smell something rotting, old and decaying as the wind carried the scent towards them. It was a familiar odor. Their hearts beat just a bit faster as they had an inkling of what they might unearth. Rukia's dark blue eyes darted quickly around her, in front and behind. She couldn't stop checking nervously, she was on guard. _

_ "Ren-ji."_

_ "Aa?"_

_ "The kids?" Do you think they are okay? She wanted to ask, but her voice died._

_ Renji didn't answer and just squeezed her a bit harder. His warm hand was a heated contrast with the frosty cold. Nights in Rukongai were cold and long. Some never woke up after a night in Rukongai._

_**Ya find what yer lookin' for in an alley…it ain't pretty.**_

_ They stood beside the aperture of the passageway, the light not reaching them in the shadows cast by the grimy walls. Rukia shifted, and the noise of the rubbish sounded impossibly loud to their ears. _

_ "Should we? Last chance ter turn around."_

_ Rukia looked up at Renji with dark, foreboding eyes and Renji's eyes were heavily shadowed and guarded. In unison, they walked over to the entrance, not touching, just keeping their eyes on each other's. In the next breath, they both turned their heads. Renji's to the left and Rukia's to the right._

_ Rukia crumbled to her feet, her skin white against her black hair, and let out a silent scream. Renji just turned and up-ended his pitiful lunch, dry heaving wretchedly, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, tasting the sourness of intestinal bile. _

_ The two of them would see many ghastly sights in their future, but none would affect them as badly as the one that night._

_ Two little orphans like them. One taller with blood red hair, the other a petite girl with raven colored hair. They were curled around each other; their hands shackled together with a rusty, length of chain. Propped up against the wall that signified a dead-end, they sat staring out of empty sockets. Their mouths were ripped open from ear to ear and stitched back together with red thread, giving them a false mockery of a smile. The girl had her black yukuta slipping down a pale shoulder blacken with bruises and half-healed cuts in a salacious manner that was meant to entice. While her left hand was touching the boy's heart and her head was tucked gently beneath his chin. The boy's hair was tied up in a twisted ensemble of a ponytail with his own innards as evidenced by the gap in his stomach peaked through his parted yukata._

_ Their legs were blackened and green demonstrating the slow process of decay. Black toenails and white fragments of bones sticking out indicated the damage that was done to keep them from escaping. There was a frayed piece of rope in their bloody hands that Renji recognized as the one he cut to freed Rukia. They noticed the looseness of the yukutas, barely covering the two, and knew they had been violated repeatedly. _

_ It was a warning. _

_Their first and last._

_ Rukia covered her mouth with her small, pale hands. She couldn't speak._

_ Renji tugged at her arm. "We…we gotta git out of here," he muttered frantically. "Let's go."_

_ He tugged her, stumbling and falling, out of the alleyway. It was too late. The image was burnt permanently in their minds. _

_ They vowed never to let the boys know about this._

_ Two weeks later, Dai and Pako were found dead. _

_ They broke it._

_It was not as bad as the first sight, just two boys with slit throats. They ran and went into hiding._

_ Three week later, Kiri was found dead._

_ They were being hunted like quarry in a jungle._

_ Months later, Rukia and Renji were hiding in an abandoned building, taking care of the last three. Nori, Tako and Juro were sick. They had caught a cold after running in the rain as they made their way further from the place where they knew Hiroki was hiding. _

_ "'s kay," said Rukia soothingly, as she wiped the sweat from Nori's brow._

_ "Where's Ren?"_

_ "He's out getting food."_

_ Nori sniffled, and said, "Ya promise. Ya gotta keep your promise."_

_ "I have. We have," she said. "We're with you, aren't we?"_

_ "Ya kept yer promise. Don't die. Please, don't die. I don't wanna die."_

_ "Hush, hush now, yer not gonna die."_

_ "If we do, you and Ren gotta get out of here."_

_ "Oh, Nori." Rukia gazed down at him with solemn eyes._

_ "'s hard ter get food here. Git out of here. Mebbe that white city," he insisted. "You and Ren got special powers. Ya can leave. Promise?"_

_ "Nori…"_

_ "Promise?"_

_ Rukia sighed and nodded her head. "I promise."_

_ Two days later, Renji and Rukia stood in front of three graves plainly marked with wooden poles. The last three of their kids, their siblings forged through depravity and cruelness of Inuzuri, died of starvation and sickness._

_ "Renji…let's become shinigami."_

_ He mindlessly stared at the graves, slowly taking in Rukia's voice._

_ "If we become shinigami, we can live in Seireitei. I heard it's pretty good in there."_

_ "…Yeah." Renji thought, we all came to Soul Society alone, helping each other to search for our family. This place is quite harsh for kids. Our friends…had all left us. Unwilling or not, they had left._

_ "Let's become shinigami," he repeated._

_ They would move on. Death was common in Rukongai, District seventy-eight: Hanging Dog. Children are often more scared than adults. They see and interpret things differently. But, the scariest thought was not knowing, not understanding that which lay before your sight. Or was the scariest thought was knowing exactly why, understanding that it was your actions that led to the sight before you? They kept moving forward, not knowing that the past would haunt the future._

_ They moved on. In Inuzuri, district seventy-eight, life goes on. There was no time for wishing, dreaming, what-ifs, people had to move on—it was survival of the fittest at its height._

_ They moved on._

He hated him so much. He hated him for dimming the light in Rukia's eyes. He hated him for exposing them to unimaginable horrors worse than they already knew. Abarai Renji hated. _And,_ he hated with vehemence. He had put the past behind him long ago. He didn't forget it, but he didn't dwell on it either. It was there in the recesses of his mind when it was dark, and the moon was shining dimly. Yet, he never let it stopped him from moving on. Neither did Rukia.

Neither of them desired to be prey again, being hunted down like the rest of their friends. Neither of them wanted to be caught up in a game with the psychotic man. The man was insane. Intelligent but insane; he had his own twisted version of logic, and what being slighted meant. Hiroki Kataki was a certified nut job in Renji's mind. If it came down to it, Renji would allow himself to play the man's game, _just_ so Rukia wouldn't have to. He would play the man's game with thoughts of revenge. He would play it because he was already in it. Hiroki had started the game again with his very first act yesterday night.

He hated him.

He hated the memories.

He hated his actions.

He hated the concept of 'survival of the fittest'.

Abarai Renji hated Hiroki. And, he would have his retribution.


	7. Chapter Seven: Avoidance is an Art

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi. Implicit sexual situations.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N.** So, this was originally supposed to be Chapter Six before I got carried away with Renji's past. He just demanded more airtime. Last chapter was a doozy. I have written dark stuff before, but I will try not to write too dark for this story. I have a real fondness for evil, depraved characters; it's kind of fun getting into their minds. So, I hope it didn't deter you guys too much. Once again, please inform me if there are any errors so I can fix them. **I don't have time to reply individually to reviews anymore, so don't think it's because I don't care. I really do appreciate my readers and reviewers. So, Thank you for your reviews. And, thanks for reading. **

**A.N.N.** This will also be the last chapter in a while. I started school already, so my time will be less. Actually, it is because school that this chapter is late. And, I'm not kidding about the fact my time will be shortened.

**A.N.N.N.** There is a **bonus** one-shot to make up for the time I will be gone. It's called **"The Train Ride"**, also a Byaren fic, and because it's a pwp with a farce of a plot. It's posted on my livejournal account, you can find the link in my profile.

October 7, 2011; Beta-ed by Kahewei

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter Seven: Avoidance is an Art

Kuchiki Byakuya calmly sipped his tea while his servants cleared off the dining table unobtrusively. It was indubitably apparent that the Sixth division fuku-taicho, Abarai Renji, was disturbed, perhaps, even perplexed upon waking. He knew the redhead's instincts geared heavily toward fight, not flight, and had prepared for it by removing Zabimaru as well as keeping calm. However, what was strange were his actions as well as his firm silence upon the matter that occurred last night. Granted, it was an atypical circumstance, but normally Renji would not be so guarded with the description of the individual. They were in wartime mode.

Such incidents demanded proper protocol, unless there was something more that Renji was not saying. The entire conversation from Renji's waking to Renji's fleeing seemed fake, as if it was forced, the two of them each performing a mockery of themselves in a play. _Renji was much more aggressive_, thought Byakuya _it is rather refreshing_.

Byakuya was a very observant individual; he had a penchant of noting unusual events. Today, Renji was very much unlike his self. He was being his true self, the one he dared not let Kuchiki Byakuya see, not if he could help it. Renji normally had his shoulders slumped down, and he seemed to withdrew inward, making himself as small as possible in Kuchiki-taicho's present. Today, Renji did that same little routine at the mention of the attacker.

_It was strange_, he decided. _Rukia and Renji are normally strong, and prideful. Yet, this man, Hiroki, the mere mention of him seems to frighten them quite badly as well as anger them. Rukia was irate. It is possible Rukia desires revenge. She was quite perturbed by the subject._

His mind wandered over his fuku-taicho's actions earlier. He had attempted to assuage Renji's discomfort by making a joke about the difficulties in retraining a new lieutenant but Renji did not laugh. He had thought Renji would react like normal, perhaps, blushing and his usual commotions interspersed with the words, "Eh, taicho, you made a joke?" Instead, his fuku-taicho recoiled and abruptly shut down. Furthermore, Renji become agitated almost desperate to leave, when he questioned him about the attack. Byakuya frowned, his lips turning white with pressure. _If only that servant had not entered at that moment. I could not question Renji further, and he was relieved. I shall have him submit a formal report; perhaps, it would enlighten me to the situation. _

Renji did not seem to react unfavorably when he touched him in an intimate manner. However, Byakuya took note of the blush staining his cheeks with embarrassment. It was possible the colour was due to anger, but Byakuya thought it was more likely due to his fuku-taicho's confusion. Logically, the redhead was humiliated at being touched by his captain. Kuchiki Byakuya knew very well the nature of his subordinate. Renji was honest, and his emotions were often worn on his sleeves. Emotions were important, and it played a role in a person's reactions. Yet, it did not quite determine the spatial thinking in them.

The captain thought he knew his vice-captain well enough. He had studied his opponent much as Renji had studied him. He knew Abarai's likes and dislikes, skills and abilities, friends, and so forth. However, his knowledge was limited to purely facts with the occasional insight into the man from Rukia and the times Renji was excessively free with his thoughts, particularly the first battle of bankais.

Not to mention, Abarai tended to surprise him at the most crucial moments which made it difficult to assess his fuku-taicho at times. Those small but significant actions only demonstrated that he did not fully understand the nature of his lieutenant.

Bykakuya allowed a small smirk to grace his features. _It was a challenge and I will not back down from it. Renji is such a willful creature befitting of those who come from Rukongai. It is no wonder I find myself attracted to him._

He was at heart rebellious and stubborn. He had always been attracted to that which was different from himself. Hisana, Rukia, and Renji all came from the same place: Rukongai Seventy-eight, Inuzuri. All of them strays and all of them were fiercely proud, strong and obstinate; that was the nature of Inuzuri citizens.

He really liked Renji, and it was possibly a greater emotion, which he refused to admit, not even to himself. He was drawn to the wildness, the feral nature of Renji's soul. Yet, Renji was similar to his past love. Renji had that softness about him, that kindly nature the redhead tried hard to repress with his tough man act.

Renji had said, "You're going to have a lot of leftovers," as if concerned with the amount of food being wasted. Hisana had said, "Byakuya-sama, there seems to be an over-abundance of provisions." It was her words that gently scolded Byakuya and reminded him there were people less fortunate than he. Her words that prompted Byakuya to make an effort to help others that were in her previous situation, people like Rukia and Renji.

It was just as well that Renji had distracted him from his memories with an empathic "You want to talk about it?" It was also fortunate he had a multitude of thoughts rummaging in his mind so he could quickly retort with a change in conversation. Renji was surprisingly a very perceptive person. He supposed it was one of the reasons why Renji worked so well with him. He could lift an eyebrow or simply look at his fuku-taicho and he didn't have to say a word to get his meaning across. Perhaps, Abarai knew him better than he realized.

Byakuya sighed and took another sip of tea. All of his thoughts circle around the fierce redhead made him wonder why in the name of Kami did he tell Renji to find a sexual partner. It was practically an order. He had stayed detached and calmly explained his reasons for suggesting his lieutenant find a partner, but inwardly, he was shouting, _Kuchiki Byakuya, what in the worlds are you doing? You might have ruined your own chances. _

Yet, he very well could not force Renji to have intercourse with him. However, it was a relief knowing that Renji was not a virgin. He liked Renji, perhaps even loved the man. He was not quite certain of love. It was different from how he felt with Hisana. It felt more passionate, more heated, and more violent. Hisana's love was soft, gentle; all of their moments sweet like Hisana herself. Byakuya had a feeling it would not be the case with Renji. It would be something that consumed him all the way through his being, yet also having the softness, the tender moments of love. Renji, he decided, would be like all the facets of fire, warm and harsh.

He supposed he should feel guilty about forcing his lieutenant to state his sexual forays. Nevertheless, he was Kuchiki Byakuya, and he did not feel guilty. It was merely information that could be potentially useful in the future. Information he could use to manipulate his opponent and ensure a victory. He was not surprised, of course. A man such as Abarai Renji was a passionate individual, an energy that would directly translate to intense feelings in his love life. He idly wondered what it would be like to be the recipient of Renji's passion, to be the one whom those dark amber eyes gazed upon, to have such devotion and love to himself and him alone.

Byakuya scoffed at himself mentally. What was he doing sitting around here and daydreaming about a certain redhead, he was frivoling his time away like one of those lovesick fools. And, a fool he was certainly not. He would have to do some investigation, as the shinigami assigned with the task of bringing last night's patrolling schedule was not yet here. The captain thought he had trained his men to be orderly and conscientious of time.

As he rose to leave, Byakuya still was not convinced Renji was fine. He was like a frightened deer, and he fled immediately when they had finished lunch. There was one thing of concern to him during his musing. _It was possible Renji was affected by the kido more than I thought, no, it couldn't be,_ Byakuya thought. He did not want to make hastily judgments. He decided he would just keep a closer watch over the redhead for the next few weeks—Renji was bound to come into do paperwork regardless of his injuries. He knew Renji liked to be distracted when he was upset, had something on his mind, or while he was injured.

_Abarai Renji, just what in the worlds are you thinking?_

* * *

><p>Two days later, Renji was in his rooms. Not his rooms at the Sixth Division, but the apartment he rented in Seireitei. It was a good thing, he had two quarters; otherwise, it would have been much harder to avoid Kuchiki-taicho. He supposed he was mostly calm now, sort of. He mostly ignored his feelings, trying hard not to think about his captain. But, he had to go back to work soon; he didn't think Kuchiki-taicho would allow him to work in peace without a confrontation.<p>

He bit his lower lip, as he slumped over the low-rise black table and leaned his head over his arms. He didn't want to see taicho just yet, not till he figured out the jumble of mess he was dealing with. He wished he had sake, but he had drank enough yesterday to forget everything and then some. Not to mention, he had finished his store of alcoholic beverages in his apartment, but he wasn't going to head out, not while he was in this state.

_Sake is not conductive toward dealing with your emotions, Abarai fuku-taicho._ Renji snorted. That would be just like taicho to say something like along those lines. He figured he was a bit crazy, probably, for imagining his taicho's voice in his head. But, hey, he also figured he was allowed to get away with it, after all, he knew taicho pretty well and fuck, wasn't it normal to imagine the reactions and advice of your close friends and love.

Hell, he could just see it now. Rukia would be saying, _what are you an idiot? Stop moping around_ and Ichigo would be saying_, oi, pineapple, get your head of the clouds and fight, damnit. Do, don't think._

If only their advice was easy to do. Renji sighed, and rolled his head onto his right arm so he could stare at the crack in the wall. _Strange, when did that get there?_ He would have to complain to management again about crappy living conditions. And, he was distracting himself again.

He just, he just didn't want to deal with it. Renji was a person who didn't like to deal with things unless he had to or he was thrown right into the mess. Except, overtime, he felt like he could do better. He could deal with his emotions, maybe.

Over the past two days, Abarai Renji had just been on a tug-a-rope, back and forth between almost confronting himself and desperately not thinking about it. He would start to think about his feelings, stop, and polish his sword, try to think again, stop, and do something else. Then, the process would begin all over again like a video clip on a never-ending loop.

But, Renji was tired of all that. He was a man of action, and nothing was going to get done until he forced himself to face his emotions. He straightened up and sat still. He wasn't like taicho who could sit still and flawless for hours on end, but he didn't need to be. He just had to get through this.

Abarai Renji, wielder of Zabimaru, was going to confront his emotions recklessly and directly. He was strong, he was going to do this, and he was…a coward.

Visibly, he dropped his shoulders and tilled his head back up toward the ceiling. Okay, so fine, he wasn't ready. In the meantime, he could devise a plan to avoid seeing taicho at all costs until he was ready. And, if that made him a coward, well, so, no, he wasn't a coward. He was tacitly addressing the situation until further actions could be taken, yeah, that's it. He was cool. As he pulled out his work schedule and a list of shinigami he could use, he firmly ignored the two voices chiming in the background, "_Coward._"

* * *

><p>Byakuya worked at his desk diligently, fully concentrating when a loud crash against the door disrupted him. Rikichi slipped through the doors, clumsily dropping papers on the ground.<p>

"Ah, sorry, Kuchiki-taicho. I'll get that right away, sir," saluted Rikichi while trying to pick up the paperwork but only making his stack trembled precariously in his arms.

"Rikichi," warned Byakuya as he noted the boy was about to slipped.

"H-hai, si—" He stepped on a loose sheet, and fell to the ground; the paperwork exploded and surrounded the boy. He shook his head, and his eyes widened with horror. "A-ah, s-sorry, sir…I'll pick this up, right away."

Byakuya watched Rikichi scramble to gather the sheets, and sighed. It was times like these, he wondered if the potential he saw in the boy would ever emerge like the butterfly from its cocoon. The unseated shinigami placed the messy stack on Abarai's desk, and placed a smaller stack on Kuchiki's desk.

"Rikichi."

He jumped visibly, and looked up at him. "Hai, Kuchiki-taicho?"

"Where is Abarai fuku-taicho? He has not been in these past two days."

"W-well. Sir, I think he's sick. But, he's still doing the paperwork, sir," Rikichi hastened to assure his captain. "He's been sending and receiving the files through a messenger. He's not in trouble, is he? Because of, well, you know?"

Byakuya lifted his sheet and placed it aside to dry. Pulling another sheet towards him, he said, "You will do well to keep your questions to yourself and do not seek what you cannot handle. Although, it is not your concern, Abarai is not in trouble."

"Y-yes, sir. Um," the boy looked at him hesitantly, "About that night, may I—"

"Do not speak of it," interrupted Kuchiki-taicho. "It is enough that you know about it. I believe if word was to get out, then Abarai fuku-taicho's image may possible be diminished."

"I, I wasn't going to speak about it to anyone," protested Rikichi, "I'm just worried. He's not coming to work but he's still working."

Byakuya paused, and placed down his brush. "Rest assured Abarai fuku-taicho is well. His current circumstances do not allow him to see people. I am aware of the situation."

"Thank you, sir."

He continued to work, merely nodding in response as the boy left the room. Rikichi would keep his mouth shut, even if he was concerned for Renji.

The noble could not help but glance up at the doorway every time someone came in or made a loud ruckus. He kept expecting it to be his redhead lieutenant. His eyes crinkled at the corners in annoyance, the only visible sign of his apprehension. He expected Renji to avoid him, considering the manner in which the redhead had left previously as well as that lingering memory of intimacy. However, he did not think Renji would resort to such extremes to do so.

Yet, he knew Renji would need some time to himself. He would allow this manner to continue for a few more days before intervening. It was not acceptable for Renji to bottle up his emotions, although, he would not be surprised if Renji was ignoring his feelings through paperwork or alcohol. Furthermore, it was unacceptable for Renji to work without ever occupying the same room as he. It was impractical, and the squad required both the presences of their captain and vice-captain during certain examinations and for bolstering morale.

Knowing Renji the way he did, Byakuya knew he could not quite confront the man yet. In addition, Byakuya himself was not certain of how he would deal with the matter. There were several potential outcomes with most of them ending in disaster.

* * *

><p>Five days later, Renji was still huddled in his apartment, working hard at his own stack of paperwork. He had successfully avoided his taicho for the past few days, and luckily, Kuchiki-taicho didn't call him on it. Renji half-suspected that taicho was uncomfortable with the whole situation, but mostly, Renji didn't really wonder why. He was just grateful for the time away from the noble. Instead, he was spending all of his time, distracting himself from the issue by doing paperwork, getting drunk and sparring alone. All of it was guarantee to get him knocked out and tired enough so he wouldn't dream about the issue or even think about it. Except, it didn't quite work. Working on paperwork wasn't enough of a distraction, he couldn't quite lose himself in it entirely. His mind just wavered back and forth, with what had happened, and he couldn't get a grip on himself.<p>

It was something he could calmly ignore. Well, not exactly, he was ignoring it but it was still there bothering him. But, he didn't know what to do or what to think. It was hard to come to terms with what had happened, and how he felt about. Hiroki, he could deal with, Byakuya, not so much. He, fuck, he just couldn't deal with it. Part of the problem was there were too many darn issues and emotions connecting him to Byakuya—it was hard to know how he really felt.

The best thing he could do was ignore it and try to continue on as if the whole incident had never happened. And, it was the one thing he couldn't do. Renji knew this. He knew if he hadn't solve the kido problem, his taicho would know it. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to find a meaningless one-night stand. The kido was humiliating, and made him extremely vulnerable, and he just couldn't bring himself to be weak, or even show weakness in the presence of another.

No, showing weakness was bad. Abarai Renji had learned many lessons on the rough streets of Inuzuri long ago. The lessons were long ingrained in him, and were embedded in his habits by now. He was stubborn, and his highly intuitive and empathic nature were not helping him one bit. Instead, it was hindering him, a whole mess of emotions, and a whole lot of 'dunnos'.

Raising his arms up, he stretched trying to straighten out the kinks in his lower back, and he twisted his upper body toward the left and right, sighing in satisfaction at the loud pop of tension. He cracked his neck as well, and was set to dive back in when he heard a knock on his door accompanied by a shout, "Renji, open up."

Before he could get up, a petite raven-haired girl slammed open his door, "Why didn't you open the door, you prat."

"Well, I didn't want a midget to come inside especially when she's too impatient," Renji rolled his eyes. "And, it's in the middle of the night. So shut up, don't want you waking the neighbors."

"What's that?" she delivered a swift smack to the back of his head, "Here I am being nice, and thoughtful to a friend, and _this_ is the attitude I get?"

"Nice and thoughtful? More like a terror out on the loose."

Rukia slammed the door shut, and tossed a plastic container in his lap. "Yes, nice _and_ thoughtful. Chicken noodle soup for you."

Reni snorted. "More like toxic waste."

"It's not poisonous, you ate it before."

"Yeah, when we had nothin' else ter eat, and yer turn all food we had into slop."

"You like my soup," Rukia scowled. "Admit it."

She sat down next to Renji, and shoved her left shoulder, jabbing hard against his right shoulder. "Move over." He bit back a moan of pain.

Grumbling, he rubbed his shoulder, and placed the 'soup' on the table. "Whaddya want?"

"You've been down in the dumps," she stated bluntly. "What happened anyways? All nii-sama said was that you got attacked and that I wasn't allowed to see you."

Renji rubbed the back of his neck ruefully. "Yeah, no biggie."

"He told me it was Hiroki."

"Shit, y'know? _He_ didn't mention that fact," muttered Renji.

"He did," she said softly.

"Y'know," began Renji. "Just forget 'bout it, 'kay?"

"Renji, we can't just leave it in the past. Not when he's back and hurting you."

"Yes, you can," he said firmly. "_You_ can, I can't."

"_Ren-ji_."

"No. You know what happened last time. You know he's out to get you. At least, this way, he won't get you—I'll deal with it."

"And, you are the last of my family, from before." She looked at him and bit her bottom lip. "You're not alone. Family, we're family, aren't we?"

Renji sighed. "Yeah." He placed an arm around her shoulder comfortingly, grimacing as he did so. "I just don't wanna see you git hurt."

Rukia closed her eyes, memories flashing behind them. "I won't. It's not like back then. It's not the same. I don't want to lose you either. If you don't want to see me in pain, what makes you think I like seeing you in pain?"

"I—"

"Don't be a stupid fool and place double standards," she gently scolded.

"I know that. Taicho had a talk 'bout it with me."

"We can do this together. And, nii-sama is helping as well."

"M'fine, Rukia. Just—" He let out an frustrated burst of air. "Everythin' just, I dunno, crazy-like. 's yer brother, he's—"

"You like him, don't you?"

"I do not," he automatically responded.

She glared at him. "Don't be stupid, I've seen you making eyes at him. And, you told me before. Why can't you let yourself be happy?"

"So? Not like anythin' gonna come out of it."

"And, if you don't try."

"Don't wanna."

"Renji, what happened that night? What _did_ Hiroki do to you?"

"'s nothin'. Nothin' at all."

The redhead slid down and lay on the ground. Rukia shifted to pillow her head on his stomach. She waited silently; she knew Renji would speak his mind given some time.

"It's just…everythin' so messed up. Taicho 'nd Hiroki. I hate it. What happened is somethin' I don't wanna talk about. I…can't deal with it."

"Is that why you have been avoiding my brother lately?" She said knowingly.

"Mebbe," he hedged. "I, just, I dunno, what to do, I guess. You know me, I gotta…"

"I know…"

"Why can't I stop thinkin'?" He ran a hand through Rukia's hair comfortingly.

"It'll be easier if you just tell me what happened."

"That's the thing. I don't want you to know."

Rukia poked him in the stomach. "Renjii, haven't we gone over this before?"

"I know, Rukia. Believe me, I know. But, how can I tell you when I don't even understand myself?"

"It takes time. I know you won't tell me, but—" She turned over to face him with her right hand supporting her upper body. "I'm going to find out anyways. You can't hide from me."

Renji looked into her dark, violet eyes, and faintly smiled.

"Just remember to follow your heart. Love doesn't have to make sense. You know that you love him, and you might not be sure if nii-sama likes you, but at least you have to try. At least, fight for what you believe in, okay?"

"Yeah."

The two of them lay there in silence, comfortable and at ease with each other. They were people who needed the physical comfort, a leftover from the days of Inuzuri. Touch was nothing and everything between the two; a tangible hold in reality, grounding them and their abstract minds, proving to them without a doubt that they were in fact alive.

He felt Rukia drop her head back down on his abdomen, and his eyes pinched, letting out a soft hitch of breath. He wouldn't tell her. Rukia was smart enough to figure it out and wouldn't push him unless it was necessary. Their relationship was a comforting camaraderie that lasted through the turmoil of the war, and at times like these, Renji could hardly believe he had her back. Giving her up, trying to protect her in a bullshit way, was pigheaded but noble. Renji had sorted out his feelings and the situation with Rukia thanks to Ichigo reuniting them.

It was funny, how each of them sought to protect the other. The lieutenant had pushed Rukia towards Byakuya, in an attempt to protect her. He was worried that Hiroki would come back, worried about Rukia in the academy. He realized that Rukia was withdrawn, and didn't have many friends like he did. So, he pushed, and gave the responsibility of protection, of family over to the noble, to give the best chance at life for Rukia, not realizing it hurt her.

Rukia knew she wasn't as good as Renji, but she couldn't fit in the academy. She held back, wanting to stick to her friend who seemed to be distancing himself from her. She was lonely. Rukia didn't want to keep Renji behind, especially after overhearing one of the upperclassmen. "What's is wrong with that girl? She's holding Renji back. If she wasn't such a distraction, he'd be doing better. What a fuckin' loser." And, her heart almost broke. The concept of her being the one to hold Renji down was troublesome, she had always known that Renji would go far. He was smart but too content. If he had the drive, he would become exceptional.

The break between them allowed them to grow, to mature a bit while retaining their basic nature. And, slowly, they had drifted, each lost in their own pain. It was fucking ironic now that Renji thought about it, both of them could have been together and faced their trials together inside of being a fuckin' martyr for the other. Still, it was a good thing in some ways. He didn't regret what happened, he didn't dwell on 'what-ifs', Renji was just going to take it as it came. They were shinigami who had to be flexible. It was in the job description.

It felt good laying there with Rukia, her comforting, warm weight on him; and the soft glow of light from the lantern on his desks. It was quiet, and he could just ignore the pain humming softly through his body. He had indulged in self-pleasure yesterday; it had reduced the blinding pain to a tolerable level. Renji was lucky Rukia didn't noticed his grimace of pain and didn't quite know what was going on just yet. He had felt a little guilty thinking about sex while his friend was laying there but the ambiance was enough to relax him.

It settled his raging emotions and thoughts, and the short chat with his childhood friend was enough to allow him to think. He had masturbated yesterday in an effort to relieve his pain. It wasn't as effective as the first time Renji had the spell on him, but it was enough. He was ashamed to admit that he had been thinking of his taicho when he touched himself. He couldn't help but remember the soft, gentle touches, and he was sure he was imagining it, but he thought he could hear Byakuya's voice saying his name. In that way, like his name was precious and revered. He knew for sure he liked Byakuya.

What he remembered of the intimate encounter with Byakuya was pleasurable, hazy it may be. And, that was the real crux of the matter. The truth was…he liked it. Loved it actually. The problem was he never said yes. He couldn't have. That option was taken away from him. Could he forgive the man he loved for touching him in that way without permission? For saving his life? Was it rape or wasn't it? He didn't quite feel violated, but he was angry he didn't have a choice. He simply didn't know.

"Hey, stop thinking so loudly."

Renji shifted and dropped Rukia next to him, their heads facing each other.

"Can you blame a guy for tryin' to think?"

"Not really, but I can blame you for letting the soup go cold."

He made a face of disgust, "I ain't eatin' that shit. How 'bout we go out to eat instead?"

"My soup isn't shit, you _ingrate_."

"Yeah, yeah, and I'm the fuckin' sandman." He rolled his eyes. "The bar down by Eighth Street, okay with ya?"

"Yep, you're paying though. And, you better eat that soup later. Don't be a waste."

As he slipped on his sandals, he made a show of pulling out his wallet and rifting through it, "Oi, c'mon. I ain't made of money. Why don't you use some of that cash taicho gives you as an allowance."

"You're just cheap," she grabbed his sword, tossing it to him. "Besides, you owe me for having to come down her and kick you back into shape."

The two of them made their way out of the two-room apartment, grumbling and grouching at each other. Somehow, as he watched Rukia giggle and push him; Renji felt okay. Like everything was going to be all right given some time. He still had the stupid kido. He still had the stupid issues. He still had to deal with taicho at some point. For the moment, he was fine.

* * *

><p>Kuchiki Byakuya stood silently by the large Sakura tree, watching the koi splash in the nearby pond, sending small waves of water to disturbed the pink petals residing on top. His scarf fluttered, swaying gently in the light wind. He was content to stand there, lingering beneath the Sakura blossoms and brood over his main problem because he knew he would not be disturbed. His servants knew better than that, and if they did not, they would learn quickly through the wrath of Senbonzakura. His lieutenant had not put in an appearance for the past week and a half. To put it bluntly, he was worried.<p>

It may have seemed like an odd occurrence to those who did not know him well, but Kuchiki Byakuya was worried. He just happened to hide well beneath his cold visage. He wondered just what stopped Renji from coming to work, why Renji was still completing his paperwork yet never actually putting in an appearance. Surely, it did not take that much time to find a sexual partner to end the kido.

_Unless_, Byakuya's mind took a dark turn, _unless the kido had disturbed Renji's mental state; an alarming problem. _

The captain could not determine, even with his own powers of acute deduction and reasoning, whether Renji's avoidance was due to his own fears and style of logic or if it was in fact, the result of the kido. He would have to examine Renji physically to make a more accurate assessment.

Byakuya refused to believe it was the former, however. Renji was a strong individual, strong in mind, and full of determination. It was unthinkable that a kido spell could break Renji's mind where no other circumstance or emotional crisis had.

_It helped_, he supposed, _that Abarai sent in a hell butterfly today, informing me, he would come in on Monday. That is two days from now; I can certainly wait till then. He mentioned he was all right, and he sounded as if he was. However, I am not quite convinced._

Byakuya was not certain why he thought so, but he attributed it to something Renji called, "gut instinct" or "it's just a feelin', taicho." He quietly resolved to shadow his lieutenant closely, in case, Renji was not telling the truth. He had noticed some time ago that Renji was very closed-mouth about his actual pain level. Which was rather ridiculous, as Byakuya knew for a fact, shinigami and living people both healed faster and better without feeling pain; he supposed it was a vestigial remain from his days on the street, and from the eleventh, because everyone knew the eleventh were blockheads and modern cavemen.

He breathed in the scent of wind tingled with cherry blossoms and sighed. He placed a hand forlornly against the rough bark of the trunk. He had kept this tree for its memories. It was different from all the other Sakura trees. Hisana was buried here, beneath its shade and in uneasy peace. Sometimes, Byakuya thought he could hear her spirit in the area, guiding him when he was troubled with earthly matters.

"Hisana, what would you have me do?"

He closed his eyes, and spoke to her through his heart and mind.

_There is someone I like. In fact, he quite reminds me of you. He seems to possess the same values as you do but he is lacking the elegance and sweetness. Rough and brash. I think you might have liked him. Rukia has most likely mentioned it, but he was her childhood friend._

Byakuya looked at the pond, and although the wind was still, a trickle of pink blossoms flowed gracefully into the water. He smiled.

_You __**are**__ listening, paying attention today, hmm? I know I am being foolish like always. But, I can't be like you and Renji, free to feel emotions. I never quite understood you and your outspokenness. But, really, Hisana, do I have to admit it to myself?_

The noble recalled the warm memories evoked by the thought of the redhead. Memories when Renji and he were navigating how to be captain and vice-captain after the Strawberry Incident, and then, how to be friends. Nights spent over paperwork with hot, green tea and long conversations about their division. And somewhere along the way, those business conversations had shifted into something more private, more personal, more like what really good friends would talk about. Byakuya half-fancied it would be a long-lasting friendship like Kyoraku and Ukitake had, except, he could only dream about the having the other aspect of their relationship, being lovers.

All of those nights and days spent together had the captain reevaluating their relationship, and personal boundaries that were already broken. Byakuya knew he loved Renji, but he didn't acknowledge or even admit it to himself. In spite of this fact, he did concede he had a good friendship with Renji, not that he would tell his fuku-taicho that. He suspected Renji already knew which was why he was so disturbed by Renji's actions upon waking from the kido.

Didn't Renji trust him? It hurt that Renji wouldn't come to him for help. He thought Renji knew he wouldn't hurt, embarrass, or condemn him. Byakuya felt quite cut out from Renji's life, even though; logically it was due to him. Not entirely at the least, perhaps, Renji felt awkward that it was his taicho that found him and did _that_.

Lately, it had seemed as if their relationship was about to take a turn if only Byakuya had the courage to accepted his own feelings, but then, a new tempo in their dancing was struck by the kido and Hiroki. It felt difficult to keep up with the frenzy pace, switching from slow to fast, and all it really meant was he was dancing with a partner who abruptly changed the style and he couldn't read his partner's face, making both of them stumble and fumble through their never-ending dance.

Now, Byakuya just felt like he could not read Renji anymore. If only he could just see him, he would know for sure what Renji was thinking and feeling. And, it was _only_ two more days.

Here in the tranquility of the garden, he felt like he could finally confess his true feelings to himself, to accept it and do something about it.

_Hisana, I think. No, I realized now, I have to say it. I love Renji. No other has made me feel the same way I do for you. The emotions feel the same just for different reasons. I want to move on, because—I might lose my chance. The truth is, I fear my chance has already been lost._

A small twig fell upon his head, smacking loudly against his kensaikan.

_That was not very nice_, he quipped dryly. _Very well, I will not argue with you. I know, I am not betraying you, and no, I promise I won't feel that way. I am moving on with my life, hopefully with someone new like I promised. Just do not be surprised when we met again. I think you will have competition. And before you cursed at me, just remember you brought it on yourself. No, I am not being a brat._

Kuchiki Byakuya could finally admit to the truth to himself because he now knew that any possible chance of being with Renji was lost. He now knew what Renji looked like in the throes of passion and he wanted to be the only one to see it. He knew his chance was lost, but he was going to damn well tried. He would not lose Renji before he had even had him.

* * *

><p>Renji bit his lower lip, stifling his moan as he stumbled from his workspace and onto his futon. His apartment consisted of two rooms. The first through visitors entered had a small kitchen and enough space for a black, low-rise table. That table also served perfectly well as an office space, and Renji had placed stacks of papers, brushes, and ink on it. To the right of the room upon entering was a paper-covered sliding door, which led to his bedroom. His bedroom was smaller, but it sufficed for sleeping and keeping a few small personal items; most of the time, it served as a storage room when his friends came over to hang out and get drunk.<p>

The rooms were not as big as his vice-captain's quarters, but it was homey. It was good for escaping, when he wanted to forget about work and duty, when he wanted to be himself and lackadaisical. Although, the rooms were similarly lacking in individual touches, it was warm and friendlier than his cold, sterile quarters. At the very least, it looked lived-in.

He dropped down to the futon with a painful jarring, and he couldn't stop the slight whimper that accompanied it. He tried to shift his body slowly as bolts of sharp pain reverberated within him, sending tingles down his nerves. Renji trembled as he closed his eyes, trying to calm his breathing. He didn't want to move, hoping if he kept still, he wouldn't agitate his body further. Sleeping didn't work, the pain just woke him up when it got too much.

_Stupid kido_, he thought, _fuck, it hurts._

The redhead tried to focus on what he wanted to do before the pain became overwhelming. He was lucky the pain didn't hit four days ago when Rukia was visiting, and provided him with a tub of that _blasted_ farce of a chicken soup.

Renji bit his lip in reflex, and recoiled in pain. He had forgotten his lips were also sensitive. He whimpered and forced back a cry as he fumbled to undo the white sash on his hakama. The days between the pain levels were getting shorter despite all his efforts to stop it. And, as his efforts consisted of masturbation, he wasn't really surprised. Pain as deliberating as this, pain that slowly built-up to an intense level was something Renji couldn't ignore.

In the back of his mind, Renji also knew he had to do this now, not just because of the pain, but because the day after tomorrow, he would be actually going into work.

His breathing sounded loud and harsh in the quiet, dark room. He was panting for air as he become febrile from the dizziness of the aching.

_Shit, it wasn't…like this...last time._

Renji growled with frustration as he attempted to unfasten his hakama, pulling his obi out of the way. He cursed the fact he had tied them so tightly.

It was more painful, almost chronic-like; the fuku-taicho never felt pain as acutely as he was currently feeling, and his focus narrowed. Only one thought ran through his head, _gotta cum_. His body was like Pavlov's dog, trained to know release would abate the pain, if only momentarily. Without even trying to push down the rest of his clothing, the redhead lifted a shaky hand and slowly curled his fingers around himself.

Renji hissed sharply at the pins-and-needles sensation; his eyes squeezing shut with tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

_Hurts._

He tightened his jaw and forced his hand to move jerkily, trying to entice himself to the point of arousal. It was difficult to become hard when it hurt even to breathe. Touch wasn't enough to stimulate him as he stroked firmly, grimacing in agony. As he continued to fondle himself, his cock finally stirred. He rubbed himself against the palm of his hand, seeking to create more friction, more of the tremors of pleasure traveling down his cock and up his spine.

He rocked his hips into his hand, and Renji wanted to cry. It was like being on an aphrodisiac laced with salt; never-ending pain with forced pleasure. He didn't want this. This _wasn't_ fun. It wasn't his usual masturbation sessions. This was a duty, a chore, to keep himself sane and safe. This wasn't good.

It wasn't enjoyable the first time he was under the influence of the kido, especially when he had worked out what was the design of the spell. And, it wasn't enjoyable now.

Renji rolled onto his knees, leaning his back against the one of the cold, wooden walls of his room gingerly—still gripping his erection gingerly.

He slid his left hand beneath his shigati, pinching a nipple, rolling it till it was a stiff peak. He was hot, miserable, needy and in pain. He desperately tried to dredge up some old fantasy; stuff guaranteed to make him hard except it wasn't working.

He took a hold of his erection and moaned in aggravation. The pain and pleasure were at war with each other, each dueling sensation was forced onto his body and Renji couldn't decide how he ought to be feeling.

With the sensation of his hand rubbing at the stiff member, his left hand trailed down to fondle his balls and with it came a sense of more control as painful as it was. As he had learned over the course of the past days, only playing with himself and fantasying was enough to bring him over the edge quickly enough. And, his fantasies usually consisted of his taicho nowadays.

He opened his eyes blurry as he fumbled for a tube of lube, one hand clumsily fumbling it open. He spilled the gel onto his sheets before he managed to coat his hand with the clear, cool gel.

As he slicked his cock with the cold gel, it slightly eased the pain by reducing the heat he felt. Renji leaned his head back with sweat-damped strands sticking to his neck and face while desperately clinging to the image of his captain, cold and rigid, the image of his captain before the Sixth Division in full command and regal-looking, anything to distract him from the pain.

His eyes fluttered shut as he recalled those pale features, silky, ebony-colored hair, and the sensation of cold, icy hands gently stroking him. He recalled the utter helplessness, lost in the waves of pleasure and pain, of feeling so out of control, unable to even say, 'no', the relinquish of total control by handing his safety to an unknown individual whom he now knew to be Kuchiki Byakuya, his captain of the Sixth division, and Rukia's nii-sama.

Renji twisted and slid his hand down his hardness while his other hand pulled and rolled his testicles around. Pumping his hand faster, he focused strongly on his hazy memories, the lingering scent of cherry blossoms. As he faintly imagined his captain's voice commanding him, _come, Renji_, his thumb brushed over the delicate slit of his tip, and he came with a soundless cry, falling against the wall as his hot release pooled on his thighs and clothing.

He rested in a heap shortly before wiping himself down with the white sash of his uniform. Tucking himself away, he curled into a tight ball as he slumped over his futon.

He _shivered_.

He hated it.

Hated it so much his mind reeled in disgust. He could feel his stomach churning, and the bile rising up his throat in shame and sickness. He forced it back down, and it settled in his stomach uncomfortably. Humiliation and frustration replaced the previous pain; neither choice was a desirable option.

And this was why he couldn't have sex with anyone. Not while he was underneath this kido. Not only did Abarai Renji never bottom, as in ever; he also hated the weakness the spell wrought upon him. He hated how dependent the spell made him, how it forced him to rely on someone else to end it. To be in such a vulnerable state was something he could not abide.

He hated the idea. And, Renji had long learned never to let anyone top him. It was a lesson he learned on the streets of Inuzuri, and he would not let anyone top him during the duration of the kido. He had his pride.

Renji knew he loved his taicho; it was why he imagined the visage of the stoic noble. Why that image brought him over the edge so quickly, but he abhorred the fact, it was Byakuya who saw him in that state. It was just proof he was weaker, and he needed to catch up but all he was feeling was being left behind despite all his achievements.

He hated the fact he could remember Hiroki's unpleasant, slimy groping with amazing clarity while his memory of Byakuya's was foggy.

Renji was in firm belief he could handle the situation by himself, after all, he managed the first time. It was simply a matter of pretending to be fine and waiting for the kido to end with forced self-pleasure.

He hugged himself tightly as he pressed his head firmly into his pillow, ignoring the burning sensation in his eyes.

He wished he knew why the idea of Byakuya commanding him to come was so familiar, so vivid in his mind, so provoking because he knew taicho wasn't the type of person to do that. His captain had probably jerked him off without batting an eyelash—coolly and calmly without being affected.

Renji just wanted to wake up from this nightmare, for it to be all a dream, as he squeezed himself securely, trying to comfort himself in vain. It was a leftover habit from the days when he was alone, before he met the other, before he met Rukia, before his dark existence was brightened up. It was a habit that he seldom indulged in anymore, except when he was really lonely, really lost, when he was in pain.

He hugged himself to sleep.


	8. Chapter Eight: The Confrontation

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi. Implicit sexual situations.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N.** **Thank ****you ****for ****your ****reviews.****And, ****thanks ****for ****reading.**

**A.N.N. **Also, please check out my one-shot, Doodles. I decided to write something fluffy since this story is kind of dark.

**A.N.N. **And, for those of you who like ByaRen artwork, please check out my fanart at bya-ren livejournal community (the link is in my profile).

November 25, 2011; Bete-ed by Kahewei

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter Eight: The Confrontation

"Oi, Renji."

Renji gave a half-hearted wave, and continued walking toward his division. It was pretty early, about five in the morning. He was hoping to avoid his captain just a little bit longer. Just get in and get out.

Hisagi jogged up and matched his pace. "Haven't seen you in a while. What's up?"

"Nothing much," he shrugged his shoulders. "Been sick, y'know?"

"Ah, I see," he smirked knowingly. "You just want to get away from that hard-ass captain of yours."

"Nah, I've been sick," Renji insisted. "I caught a cold a week back while on patrol."

"Ah, Renji-san," greeted Momo as she turned the corner and saw them. "Are you feeling better?"

"Hinamori-san," Renji said in surprise. "Yes, of course. What about you? Wait, how did you know about me being absent?"

The lieutenant smiled up at him. "Kira-kun told me about it. He asked Kuchiki-taicho when he came for the fuku-taicho's meeting last Friday."

"So, you didn't go then?"

"Nah, Momo didn't come," grinned Hisagi. "She's still sick."

"I'm not sick," protested Momo, her cheeks flushing pink. "I'm really not. You should know that."

Renji and Hisagi exchanged glances.

"Anyways, I heard from Kira-kun that Renji-san would be back today. So, I made you some cookies. I made some for Aizen-taicho as well, but he's not here. I think he's on a mission, so I'll give them to him later."

Slapping Renji hard on the back, Hisagi winked. "Renji, you sly dog. Getting sick means getting free food from chicks."

Renji was prepared for it, and he barely grimaced in pain as he rolled with the action. His shoulders were tense and he subtly maneuvered out from under Hisagi's arm. "I'm not that low or as desperate as you, sempai. I don't have to rely on such tricks. I win them over with my natural charisma."

"I don't believe you have any charisma," interjected Kira fuku-taicho who had ran over when he spotted Hinamori.

"Izuru-san," protested Renji. "How can you say that?"

"Oh, it's not that you don't have any, it's, uh," stammered Kira, "you scare people?"

Shuuhei burst out laughing. "Scaring people? That's Renji's charisma? I'm going to scare you into going on a date with me."

"Oi, at least I'm not you, Mr. See-the-tattoo-on-my-face-that's-what-I'm-good-at," teased the redhead. "Yer a walking sex ad."

"Uh, guys, maybe we should stop," asked Kira, as he noticed his surrounds. "We're getting closer to Kuchiki-taicho's office, and I don't think he'll like the noise level."

Renji scoffed. "No, he doesn't. He once sealed my mouth with a silence kido on the pretense of, 'Abarai fuku-taicho, since you cannot keep silent, I will aid you until you have learned proper office protocols.' But, he's okay now. After you know the strawberry incident, he's lightened up. I think I saw him wearing earplugs at the inter-divisional party a few months back."

"Earplugs," Hisagi said doubtfully.

"Yeah, I'm bein' serious," Renji nodded. "Taicho's was wearing them. I think Rukia got them for him."

"If you say so," said Hinamori, her hands twisting the ends of her cloth bag. "But, that was a good event. Aizen taicho was really handsome that day."

As if prompted by the words 'Aizen taicho', the three males glanced at each other, exchanging looks over her head.

"Ah, Hinamori-san," Kira turned toward her. "I almost forgot. Unohana-taicho requested you stop by and see her right now. It's somewhat urgent."

Brightening up, the smaller vice-captain nodded and shoved her bag into Renji's hands. "Okay, I'll go right away. Take care, Renji-san. See you, Hisagi, Kira-kun."

Renji stared down into the dark blue cloth tied tightly. Curious, he opened it, and stared in bemusement at the glasses shaped cookies. "She wasn't supposed to be out, was she?"

Hisagi shrugged, "I don't think so. Kira-san, do you know anything?"

"Yeah," Kira looked mournfully down at the cookies. "She escaped this morning, and Unohana-taicho asked me to fetch her since I was free. Otherwise, she would have asked Renji-san or Hitsugaya-taicho. I didn't see any harm in allowing her to wander for a bit. She was only baking and I followed her the entire time."

"You shouldn't do that," chided Hisagi. "She's fragile enough as it is. The slightest negative thought against Aizen and she could break."

"I know," Kira said sadly. "But, it's Hinamori."

Renji tapped a finger against a brown spectacle-shaped cookie. "Face it, guys. We were all screwed over by Aizen-taicho. Especially, you and Hinamori. And, Shuuhei-sempai got screwed over by Tousan-taicho. It sucks to be you. You guys have shitty luck."

"Says the guy who hates his taicho," snorted Hisagi. "Anyways, I have to go. We're working on a new layout for _Seireitei __Communication_. Ja ne."

"I guess I shall see you later as well, Renji-san. My division's still struggling to keep up since G-gin taicho b-betrayed Soul Society." With his shoulders slumped, Kira fuku-taicho shuffled away.

"Alright, see you later."

Renji stood there for a second, his hand crumbling one of the spectacle-shaped cookies. It just wasn't fair. All of his closest friends were broken and sad because of the betrayal. Hinamori-chan was practically insane with her unwavering devotion to Aizen-taicho. And, he knew Kira was a shell of his former self. Kira used to be confident and mischievous, and now, he was skittish and jumping at his own shadows. Shuuhei wasn't as bad off, and even he was greatly affected. Renji knew Shuuhei was scared of his own zanpakuto, and he couldn't reach bankai because of it. Fuck, he really wished he could have kill Aizen with his own bare hands.

Aizen taicho was kind and nice. Renji couldn't believe his former captain was so ruthless and cruel, to the point, where he tried to kill Rukia. Part of him knew Aizen taicho was bad, but the other part of him said Aizen taicho was not that bad. He could be redeemed, maybe. And, although, Renji had hoped his former captain hadn't really betrayed them, the fact was he did. Renji couldn't forgive the man for that, for lying to him, but mostly for hurting Rukia.

It hurt at that time Aizen taicho told him he wasn't suited for the Fifth division. He had really looked up to the man after Aizen taicho and Gin taicho saved the three of them from hollows. Aizen taicho was a man he respected. Renji was crushed that he failed to meet Aizen taicho's expectations but he was determined to work harder. Instead, he focused his gaze on the other captain, the captain who took Rukia away. Even though, Kuchiki taicho was his ultimate goal, Renji felt as if he disappointed Aizen taicho.

Sure, Aizen taicho still talked to him and gave him advice, but he hadn't really spoken to the man after the shamefulness of being transferred. Slowly, overtime, Renji became more comfortable with the Eleventh division; it reminded him of the times and the people from Rukongai. Yet in the back of his mind, somewhere buried deep while he focused on Kuchiki taicho; Renji always wondered why he wasn't good enough for Aizen taicho.

He didn't understand then. And, he didn't realize they were trying to separate them slowly. Him, the cast-away to the Eleventh, Momo-chan to Aizen, and Kira to Gin. It just hurt. They were separated, their trio broken and splinted through division lines. And, now he knew why. Together, they would have watched out for each other and helped each other; separate, they wouldn't notice something was wrong, wouldn't be able to catch the evil behind their smiles.

The Aizen-taicho he knew never existed. The world everyone once knew crumbled before their eyes. He used to hate Kuchiki-taicho. But, since the Strawberry Incident, Renji didn't. At the very least, he could count on Kuchiki-taicho to tell the truth, and even, if the man had skirted around the issue and omitted certain information. At least, the man hadn't lied to him, hadn't backstabbed Seireitei; Renji guessed he counted himself lucky in that regard. He hadn't broken. He was stronger but not enough. It was never enough.

* * *

><p>"Renji-san," Rikichi cried out in surprise. "You're back?"<p>

Shuffling in, Renji waved his arms frantically while sliding the door shut. "Shuddup. Don't be so loud. Uh, taicho isn't here, right?"

"Nope. Um, but begging your pardon, why are you here so early? Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah, loads," Renji quipped as his eyes darted around the room and he grabbed a stack of papers off his desk. "Is this all of it?"

"For now," Rikichi nodded. "But, it's not all of it; Kuchiki-taicho did some of it while you were out. Well, the ones I couldn't get to you. I'm glad you're feeling much better, Renji-san. Kuchiki-taicho was really worried."

Renji's eyes widened. "Ah, he did, did he? And, I'm sure he wasn't that worried."

Rikichi tapped his chin thoughtfully, and recalled his previous conversation with his captain. "I don't know. He seemed really concerned."

"Hey, kid. Could you do me a favor?"

"Yes, sir. What is it?"

"Whenever you see a fresh stack of these papers, could you bring them to me, and I'll give you the finished work to distribute."

"Yes, sir. Where will you be sir?" Rikichi accepted, not even questioning the order of a superior.

"I'll be in one of the smaller meeting rooms, the one by the training room. You know, the one that hardly anyone goes to anymore."

"Yes, sir, right away sir," said Rikichi.

"Thanks, kid." Renji walked out of the office, his arms full of papers, and made his way over to the room. He was sure Kuchiki taicho would be too busy and overlook him.

* * *

><p>Steel gray eyes stared down from his perch on the roof of the training room, watching the ends of a spiked ponytail disappeared through the door. He stood there for a moment, and frowned. Renji was foolish enough to think Kuchiki Byakuya would not anticipate this avoidance gesture. Yet, the stoic captain was intelligent enough to realize it was not time to intrude and force a confrontation with the redhead. It seemed Renji was determined to escape from any impending conversation, although, their conversation was one of necessity.<p>

Byakuya's lips thinned as he felt the outer edges of his fuku-taicho's reiatsu, still roughed and threaded with the curse of the kido. Renji had obviously failed to have sex with someone. He pondered potential reasons, Byakuya could not surmise why not. Renji, after all, had many friends, and various acquaintances throughout the Gotei Thirteen. Yet, he was glad. He wanted Renji to himself, to possess the other man who captured and filled his every waking thought. He could not stand and would not stand for it. He would make Renji uphold his end of the bond, the bonds of past and present becoming entwined in a single heavy, red chain.

However, there was still the problem of the kido, one of many things standing in the way of their current relationship. Byakuya could not dally about when he still had responsibilities and duties to perform. He would continue to check in on the actions and interactions of his fuku-taicho between his work, so he could best plan and gauge what he ought to do. With a last brush against Renji's reiatsu, the captain sneered with his scarf flying out from the wind.

_How is it that a single man like Hiroki could bring down a man such as my fuku-taicho? To the point, he has reverted back to a cowardly mongrel, cringing in the shadows instead of confronting the problem head on. I will see the fire in your eyes again; even if it might turn back to hatred._

* * *

><p>"Thanks, kid." Renji walked out of the office, his arms full of papers<em>. <em>_Just __this __last __bit, __and __I __might __not __see __the __man __till __tomorrow __at __the __latest._

"Abarai fuku-taicho," intoned a deep voice.

"Arggg-" Renji leaped back in surprise, and slammed into the door, before sliding down it with papers flying everywhere. "Fuck."

The captain looked down at him calmly. "Fuku-taicho, you were not actually planning to avoid me today, were you?"

"K-kuchiki t-taicho? Uh, 'course not," lied Renji hastily, "why would I do that?"

"Hmm, I thought not," Byakuya nodded. "Rikichi, leave us."

"H-hai, Kuchiki taicho, sir." Rikichi dashed out the door, he figured Renji would be all right with the sixth division captain. The captain had helped last time.

Renji stood there blankly before scrambling to pick up the scattered sheets.

"Follow me, Renji. I would not have you waste my time with your clumsiness. You will deal with it later."

Renji gaped at the white haori on the retreating back and cursed his luck.

After a few minutes of self-composing, Renji entered the room nervously, closing the door behind him. "Uh, what is it that you need, Kuchiki-taicho?"

The noble didn't answer him. He ran a finger down a document, noted its contents, glanced over at Renji and shifted the document to the out-going pile. "I would have thought it was obvious, Abarai fuku-taicho."

"Oh, y-yeah, n-nothing's wrong," Renji said. "It's been dealt with, taicho. If that's all, can I leave?"

Byakuya turned toward Renji with a slight rustling of his haori, pinning the redhead down with an unreadable stare.

"Dealt with? I think not."

A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his head across the black markings and into the hollow of his throat.

"I think you have not dealt with your problem. In fact, I know it," stated the Sixth division captain whose reiatsu was slowly rising. "Did you take me for a fool? You know very well I can read your reiatsu, in fact, I told you the last time we met. Did you really think you could get away with lying about this, by avoiding your job—"

"Hey, I did my work—" said Renji, taking offense to the implications.

"Regardless of that fact, that does not exempt you from avoiding this office when you are supposed to be here available to our subordinates. I specifically gave you a week in order to resolve your problem, and you failed to do so. So, tell me, Renji, why have you not engaged in intercourse," Byakuya said coldly, inwardly glad Renji hadn't have sex with a random floozy and angered at Renji for causing harm to himself. "When this could be easily remedy."

Renji snapped. "With all due respect, sir, that is none of your business."

Byakuya folded his arms across his chest. "It is my business when my fuku-taicho has become so scared that he has not even noticed my presence when I watched for several moments at different points in the day. It is certainly my business when a subordinate is intentionally engaging in self-harm leading to disruption in the division. And, it is certainly my business when Rukia is depressed about her so-called friend, and it is certainly my business, when my trusted friend and fuku-taicho is in pain. Do not dare presume to tell me it is none of my business when I have been involved since the beginning."

"Wait, you stalked me," Renji questioned. He forced his shoulders to relax and he snapped, "Well, you don't need to be so concerned. I can handle it."

"In which manner do you refer to? Ignoring the problem by pretending it doesn't exist," he said icily. "Or by flinching every time a man touches you?"

Bristling with anger, Renji retorted, "Fuck off. I don't have to deal with this shit. And, I'm not ignoring the problem."

Hand on the hilt of his sword, Renji took a step toward the doors, intent on getting out of the situation. He felt a rush of wind as he was slammed against the doors. Renji let out a cry of pain, not prepared at all against the sudden impact; and he flinched, muscles twitching upon his captain's touch, pale, cold hands with slight calluses.

"See this," Byakuya hissed. "You are in pain. You balked from me. You haven't had coitus with anyone. You are still under the effects of the kido. Why are you ignoring this?"

Renji bit his lips, grimacing at the feel of strong fingers digging tightly in his arms, sending spiders crawling down his spine. "I am not ignoring this."

"Yes, you are. Can you not put aside your pride and ask for help?"

Eyes flashing red, "Pride? What pride? There are things you don't understand. It has nothing to do with pride. Though, I can see why you think that—since you're the one with the god damn pride."

"Then, why won't you tell me the truth? What is it I don't understand? Inform me of this matter because I cannot read your mind, Renji. Or do you not consider me a friend?"

"F-friend?" questioned Renji with the weight of that word washing over him with familiarly. He had never heard Byakuya used that term in the entirety of their relationship.

He felt confused as he muddled over this single word in his mind. He didn't even notice when Byakuya loosened his grip, breathing harshly and pushed him into a chair. _Friend, __when __did __he __consider __me __his __friend?_ thought Renji. He was so sure Kuchiki-taicho was not his friend. Yet, he also had memories of them being in companionship. He felt like his memories was jumbled up, and he couldn't tell the past from present. _That__'__s __right, __he __is __my __friend. __Has __been __since __a __few __months __after __the __Strawberry __Incident. __Hasn__'__t __he?_

"Have you gained a hold of your senses?"

Renji stared blankly at the teacup that was placed before him. "Uh, yeah, I have?" He answered slowly.

Cool grey eyes ran over his body appraisingly, and he shivered. "Stop that."

"To what are you referring to?"

"You know," Renji scowled. "That," he waved his arms around, "Watching me and analyzing me, like, I'm a damn specimen about to fall apart. I'm not going to break, you know."

Byakuya wisely refrained from commenting. He seated himself next to Renji and took a sip of tea before venturing to ask, "Will you be amenable to discuss the effects of the kido?"

"_No._"

"You do realize it is necessary to delve into the ramifications of it? If not for your own sake, then for the functioning of the division."

Grumbling, Renji took a gulp of warm green tea. "And, you realize that I _fucking _don't wanna talk about it."

"It is certainly understandable you would feel that way, but I believe it would be better to discuss it. It does not matter to me whether you talk now or not as long as you are aware you will be engaging in this topic sooner or later. Preferably sooner."

"Fine, shoot," said Renji. "I just want it known, this is under duress."

The captain paused, and begun, "Why haven't you found an intimate partner?"

The redhead raised an eyebrow. "You know, you can say fucking. You don't hafta pretty it up for me. You can even say sex if fucking is too harsh for your delicate ears."

"Very well. Why haven't you had sex?"

Renji gave him a look as if the question came out of nowhere. Renji sighed, seeing his captain wasn't getting the idea. "I'm a guy. And for this cure to work…I sorta need another guy."

"And, you are not homosexual?"

He snorted in laughter. "Actually, I'm bi. And, you better not be writing this down in my personal file. I know you keep little tabs and notes of our men's quirks and habits."

"Rest assures, I am not writing this down." Byakuya paused. "Several of your friends also have the same inclined nature as yourself. Therefore, you are not a homophobe—"

"Why the FUCK would I be a homophobe," he said in irritation. "I don't have a problem with Kira and Shuuhei. And, I just told you I'm bi. I'm just not that _type_ of guy."

"Yet, you willingly had intercourse with other males."

"Yeah, but I never—oh just kill me now—been the bottom," Renji couldn't believe he was having this conversation with Kuchiki Byakuya, the frigid ice cube of Seireitei. Then, he backtracked what he just heard. "Wait, how'd you know that? I sure as hell don't go advertising my sexual habits. You haven't been spying on me, have you?"

Renji looked at Byakuya with deep suspicion. Byakuya sighed and blamed Rukia for the impending headache he was doomed to receive.

"Matsumoto-fuku-taicho has made explicit speculations into the sexual identities of captains and lieutenants. She further detailed, at length, what a person actually was—homosexual, lesbian, bisexual, straight or neither—and discussed the possible pairings that could arise from such preferences. In fact, her favorite topic was discussing which captain-lieutenant couplings were most plausibly and aesthetically pleasing. Apparently, you and I ranked second after Ukitake-taicho and Kyoraku-taicho."

Pausing in brief contemplation, "And, we only lost because Matsumoto fuku-taicho assumed I was too devastated to find a new love after Hisana's death. She has proclaimed the Sixth division the division of unrequited love."

"Y-you actually pay attention to _this_ stuff?" Renji didn't think his captain was one for gossip. Yet there was still the question of…

"Rukia found fit to hold the Shinigami's Women Association meetings while I was in a meeting with several Kuchiki council members next door."

"Oh."

Byakuya firmly decided not to mention the fact that several of the council immediately halted the meeting and eavesdropped on the gossip like a bunch of gossipmongers they were. It was eerily disturbing to see distinguished council members oooo and awww like a bunch of clicking hens at the various pairings, and gasping at the most outrageous pairings.

One of the members, Kuchiki Kaito, a rather distant cousin on his father's side was raised in a very unorthodox manner. Kaito-san had the audacity to mention, "Byakuya-sama, I would not mind adopting an heir from one of the children from the rest of the clan members, if you choose to mate with Abarai fuku-taicho. You would make a rather aesthetically pleasing pair as well as strengthen the household. From my understandings, he is about ready to make captain in a few years."

Then of course, the infuriating individual winked at him while the rest of the Kuchiki council protested and made uproar of the whole idea. Another commoner? And a subordinate at that? Byakuya knew very well that Kaito-san was deliberately provoking the council for his own enjoyment. Yet, although the words were said seemingly in jest; Byakuya knew he had at least one supporter in the form an unruly, heretical member of the council. The rest of the members would be an uphill battle.

"You certainly are able enough to have coitus with males as evidenced by the words of Matsumoto fuku-taicho. Yet, when given the opportunity to do so, you deliberate. Why is that?"

"To put it bluntly, I don't bottom. 'sides it not my choice to have sex, is it? I'm not allowed to say when I shall have sex and in which manner. And, sir, I frankly refuse to subject myself to being bottom," Renji said as he looked him in the eye boldly, "To subject myself to the command of the kido.

Gray eyes glimmering with dark silver widened barely in clarity and glazed over in quick, rapid thought about certain implications.

"And, why is it you do not 'bottom' as you called it," Byakuya rapidly said, frowning in distaste at the utterance 'bottom'.

"And, that's personal." His reddish-brown eyes shuttered shut, no longer open for the captain's perusal.

"Surely, it is not so personal; you would not even risk your life of it?"

"It is. It's not something you need to know. And, it's something you wouldn't understand given your upbringing."

Byakuya arched an eyebrow. "And, how is it I would not understand, given the fact, you have told me nothing. You cannot presume to know what is it I will think."

Renji opened his mouth, paused, and tried again. Then, he shook his head, "Fine, you and your stupid word plays. Maybe you would understand—but that doesn't mean I'm obliged to tell you how I'm feeling and how I think. It's not that easy."

"Very well. I will not pressure you on this manner," Byakuya said. At least for now, he thought, there was plenty of time to delve into the manner once he had gotten Renji's agreement. "Then, how do you plan to end this kido without utilizing the cure?"

Renji's fingers plucked at a stray thread in his sleeve. "Same as I did last time—and do I really need to talk about this with you?"

"Yes, very much so. Unless, you wish to speak to Unohana taicho instead?"

"I swear if I didn't know you, I'd think you were being deliberately perverted, living vicariously through my life." Renji crossed his arms defensively and leaned back against his chair.

Kuchiki taicho seemly looked at him sternly.

He grudgingly offered, "Jerking off."

"Jerking off," Byakuya tilted his head with a puzzled voice.

"Yeah. Masturbation. Wanking. Y'know, jerking off."

"Ah."

"At least till the kido weakens by itself and breaks. Like last time." He frowned, little furrows forming beneath his headband. "What more do you want?"

"And, when did it ended last time?" questioned Byakuya.

Renji shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno. We don't really keep track of time on the streets." _Not __when __there __were __more __important __things __to __worry __about. __Things __like __not __going __hungry. __Not __being __cold. __Just __trying __to __stay __alive._ He freed himself from the cobwebs of memories, and continued, "If I had to hazard a guess. Probably around half a year to a year."

Byakuya nodded, this was probably the time Renji went missing, Rukia didn't have an accurate time frame of her time on the streets as well. "How many times did you engage in self-pleasure, and how long did it take before the pain returned? How functional were you while under the spell—"

"Whoa. What is this? The _fucking_ Spanish Inquisition?"

"I _beg_ your pardon?"

"Never mind," said Renji, rubbing his face. "Why do you need to know all of this? That's fucking private shit you're asking for."

"Do you really need to ask?"

"W-what…I, no," admitted Renji. "Just, well, would you like it if I started questioning you on your sexual habits?"

"No. It would not bother me. Did you wish for me to reciprocate?"

"No?" said Renji, his mouth dropping open.

"That was a joke," he said deadpan.

"A joke? Really? You're making a joke at a fucking time like this?"

Byakuya lightly shrugged. "I thought it might relieve the tension. However, these questions are necessary in aiding us in finding an alternate cure or prolonging the days between pain and self-pleasure."

"Well, there ain't no other cure—other than me offering my ass up on a silver plate."

"My research has arrived at the same conclusion," he agreed. "Now that we are on the same page, you agreed that you must engage in coitus with yourself as the recipient of reiryoku-infused semen."

"No. I understand it, but no, I'm not going to have sex with some stranger."

"Despite all of the current facts that lie before you, you still will not change your mind?"

"Yep."

Byakuya stared at him coldly. "Then, you are foolish, Abarai Renji. I did not expect my fuku-taicho to be a fool as well as _a__coward_."

"W-what?" Renji said affronted. "I did not just hear you said that. I am not a coward," his anger stirring beneath the surface. "You're wrong."

"Am I?" countered the noble. "Knowing the facts, and still engaging in such a ridiculous solution. Tell me, Renji, is that what you will do when you are on the battlefield—when you send our men off to do their duty? Choosing a harebrain tactic instead of easier, effective solution? Putting the lives of our men at risk?"

"That doesn't even relate."

"Doesn't it? I think not. How a man conducts himself at home is how he conducts himself on the field. I clearly see that you are not fit to be a lieutenant," the tactician said, baiting the redhead.

"I'm not a coward," shouted Renji, his eyes flashing red. "Fine. What would you have me do? Since clearly, you know everything." He snorted.

Byakuya hesitated for the briefest of seconds, before ruthlessly going on with his plan. Steeling himself, he said, "I propose a verbal contact between you and myself for the length of half a year. I will engage in sexual relations with you in easing your pain during the duration of the kido."

"Wait—you want to have sex with me," Renji said, in dumbfounded. "You, Kuchiki Byakuya?"

He managed to suppress rolling his eyes, but he did shot a glare at the man. "If you didn't hear that, then I'm not repeating myself. However, during this time, I will convince you to engage in sexual intercourse while being the 'recipient,' for a lack of a better word. In other words, I expect you to 'bottom' by the end of this time."

"What makes you so sure; I'm going to bottom by the end?" Renji said, certain Byakuya wouldn't break him of his beliefs and ways. "When no other has convinced me?"

Byakuya stared straight into Renji's burgundy eyes, smirking. "You _forget_. As much time as you have spent studying me—getting to know me. I have been doing the same. You do not know everything there is about me. I know you, Renji, know you well enough that you will bottom even with all of your extra baggage. Your past, your personal beliefs and desires, none of it is strong enough to suppress the inner canine inside. And, Renji, you will _bend_ over for me willingly."

Skin prickling at the sensation the words evoked, Renji said stubbornly. "And, in that time, if you haven't convinced me. You'll let it drop?"

"Yes. I will drop the matter and you may feel free to deal with the kido in any manner you see fit."

Renji thought it over.

"Aw, what the heck. It's not like you can convince me. It's a deal."

"Do not be certain of that when victory has yet to enter your hand. I would advise you to save your confidence for later. Your pain level is still relatively low?" He glanced over the redhead, taking in the feel of the reiatsu.

"Yeah."

"Be by my manor tomorrow night at seven o'clock. Do not be late."

"Fine, tomorrow it is."

The captain stood and flicked his scarf around his neck more securely. "Clean up that mess and continue your duties, Abarai fuku-taicho."

Renji couldn't even stammer out "H-hai" before the man was gone.

He idly wondered what he had just gotten into. He could still feel the presence of the other man's reiatsu still clinging to the room. As he thought back about his past, and every single lesson he learned during his time in Inuzuri, he wondered if Kuchiki Byakuya could really change him when no other could.

Because what Byakuya wanted to do wasn't simple. What he was asking of Renji was not something so easily changed. The captain was fighting against decades of habits, personal beliefs, the very thinking that made Renji who he was today. What the captain was really fighting against was memories of the past. Renji shivered with trepidation, the careful choice of diction and poise, which Byakuya had delivered those ominous words, repeating them in his head.

"_You will bend over for me willingly."_


	9. SubStory One: Rukia's Research

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach or anything related to it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

**Pairings:** ByaRen

**Warnings:** Cursing. Yaoi. Violent Imagery.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. During this, Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho andhe struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N.** Wow, you guys are really awesome. Thank you for your reviews. And, thanks for reading.

**A.N.N.** Information in this chapter utilizes actual research that has been modified to suit the story. However, the information is pretty much the same on the surface. Also, this chapter includes information from my classes, so if I underline and bolded something, it's something important everyone should know.

December 16, 2011; Bete-ed by Kahewei

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Sub-Story One: Rukia's Research

Rukia searched through the shelves of scrolls and books in the Kuchiki library. It was an amazing place, filled to the brims with diverse information, and a collection of historical items. It truly was a place designed for the King's historians. Yet, all of the interesting sights and knowledge held no appeal to Rukia. She was here for one thing and one thing only.

She needed, no; she wanted to know what did that bastard Hiroki did to Renji. It wasn't enough that the vile excuse of a man had ruined their lives. No, the man just had to come back and bring back horrible memories.

Biting her lips, her grip on a brown wooden shelf turned white as she squeezed her eyes shut tightly, trying in vain to lock out images of the past.

_Goro's stall with the mouths of fish gaping open—dead and smelling foul. Pink and red blood dripped steadily down the slippery scales, and pooled next to a pile of fly-littered guts._

_The smell of pungent air—sharp and acidic—a smell belonging to the streets of Rukongai alone._

_Old, withered men wrapped in bundles of rags, huddled together around a dimly, glowing fire._

_Mouths were ripped open from ear to ear and stitched back together with red thread, giving them a false mockery of a smile._

_Everyone just dead, dead, dead._

_Little Nori. Tako. Juro._

Rukia couldn't help but shudder, and sucked in a harsh breath of air. This was why she had to know. Knowing Hiroki, it was something foul, dirty, mind-twisting, and it would be just like Hiroki to come up with a devious scheme. Only, Rukia knew the man had to have help. The man, as twisted as he was, was not that intelligent. Hiroki wasn't good at kido or at creating spells. The last time Rukia heard of the man, he was only good at physical torture. And taking into account, his sudden change in appearance, the man had to have help. Help from someone else, but the question was who.

She sighed. There were too many questions, and few answers. There only thing she could do was investigate, and all her leads only gave her more questions.

Running a finger along the books, Rukia knew she had to find it, if not for herself, then for Renji, and for every other orphan out on the streets of Rukongai. Renji wouldn't tell her; he was being silly and overprotective, in her opinion. And, nii-sama seemed disturbed when she asked what the kido was. Judging by the reluctance of the two most important figures in her life, Rukia knew there was no way she couldn't be involved.

Plus, she kind of did have permission from nii-sama to look for the cause. She knew Renji would be angry she was doing this; putting herself in more danger. But, he wouldn't stay mad for long. Not when she was doing it for him. And, she could always twist him around her little finger anyways, so there was no way he could stop her. She did have enough information. She witnessed the beginning of the spell, and knew the signs and symptoms.

Rukia glanced around her before pulling out a dusty scroll from in between tightly jammed scrolls. Blowing off the dust, and coughing on it, she flipped it open and started skimming it. It appeared to be what she was looking for, but it wasn't quite it.

She placed it in her bag, and started searching for other books and scrolls related to it. Rukia placed another scroll back just as another scroll fell down and rolled away from her. She scowled, and picked it up. As she began rolling it a stray phrase caught her eyes.

Pausing, she stopped to read it.

_Gaku Kutsuu—Pleasure or Pain Kido—Forbidden Hado seventy-two was well known for its usage during the war of…_

_BAM._

Rukia gave a little start with a slight jump and dropped the scroll. Heart beating fast, she heard voices talking. Even though nii-sama gave her permission, she wasn't supposed to be here, not without a written letter from him. Nii-sama expected her to look for information without being caught. Rukia knew very well the intricacies of noble and family politics; more importantly, she knew the Kuchiki Council laws. Nii-sama was technically breaking many rules by letting her in here, and she would do very well not to disappoint him. The fact Nii-sama didn't give her a written letter, signed and stamped with the Kuchiki seal, meant one thing. Everything she found had to stay a secret.

Without regard for which books or scrolls she needed, Rukia plucked up any she could carry that might possibly contained information pertaining to the kido and tossed them into the backpack she'd purloined from Ichigo.

Holding her breath, she clutched the straps of the bag tightly as she waited for the persons to pass by. As she ducked out of there, Rukia couldn't help but catch a single word.

_Hiroki._

* * *

><p>"Oi, Rukia. What are you doing?" questioned Ichigo. "What's all this stuff?"<p>

There was a bunch of scrolls and books spread before her, and Rukia had been ignoring him the whole time.

"Nothing you need to know," she retorted as she gathered them up and placed them on her bed in the closet and climbed in. "Don't you have to go to school?"

"Cramp," Ichigo looked at the time. "Wait, aren't you coming too?" Rukia wasn't budging from her place, and was in the process of closing the closet door.

"Fool. I cannot attend school with you every day. I am on Shinigami business."

"Oi, you don't attend to your duty that much. _Brat_. I just end up doing your work."

"Just go, you ingrate."

Rukia slammed the door shut with a loud bang.

Ichigo scratched his head, shrugging. "Fine, who needs a midget like you?" Rukia sometimes got into these strange states of secrecy. It wasn't usually important, and

Rukia would tell him eventually in some way or another. _Probably had to do with drawings, it usually does_, Ichigo thought as he made a face. _Does she think of nothing else but drawing, and writing stupid encrypted letters?_

"Oi, I'm going," he grabbed his backpack and swung open the door. He paused to see if she would emerge but Rukia didn't. Ichigo sighed. "Don't be too freaking lazy. I've got homework to do tonight instead of beating up hollows because you were too weak to handle them."

No response, which was strange, because Ichigo knew Rukia usually responded to that. Arggh, it was getting to be too much. He'd just head to school and figure out what was going on later.

Rukia waited till she was sure Ichigo was gone before spreading her research materials out on the floor again. Luckily, Kon was with Ichigo; she had stuffed him in his backpack earlier so she wouldn't be bothered.

The one she was reading was labeled "Pathology of Unusual Kidos".

* * *

><p>To understand how the kido functions, it is necessary to have background knowledge of pain. The first and foremost information about pain is that being in pain is not normal. Pain is an indicator of injury or due to structural changes in the body. <span>Pain is not a normal process of aging.<span> It is normal in the sense it is the body's mechanism of alerting the individual to obtain help or to stop what it's doing because of risk for injury. Always seek help to ease pain. Pain occurs in two forms: Nociceptive and neuropathic. These are two types of processing in which pain can be distinguished.

Pain is unique to each individual and individuals respond differently to pain as well as analgesics. This is one of the reasons why the Forbidden Hado 72 is difficult to treat. The kido locks onto nociceptors; specialized spiritons designed to detect painful sensation and transmit it to the Central Spiritrons System (CSS) via the spiritrons pathway.

Nociceptive pain occurs when the nerve fibers in the CSS are functioning and intact. It is when a person obtains an injury, and recognizes the sensation as painful. The brain then releases chemicals such as spritromitter to inhibit the sensation of pain. Spiritomitter is the shinigami's natural analgesic against pain. Nociceptive pain is also short-termed, and localized to the affected or injured area. Examples include but are not limited to a broken arm, a cut on the hand, and appendicitis.

Neuropathic pain does not occur normally. It is, in fact, abnormal. Unlike nociceptive pain, a shinigami does not know the cause of pain. It is long-term pain that last for more than six months. It is unpredictable and flares up constantly and randomly. It occurs because spiritons in the CSS are misfiring, that is, the chemicals are excited for no particular reason, causing depolarization and repolarization to occur. When the misfiring causes the spiritrons to form the correct sequence, a message of pain is transmitted to the brain via CSS.

Constant irritation or inflammation by a painful stimulus changes the structure of spiritrons. These spiritrons become stretched out, making them more sensitive to any stimulus, regardless of softness or sharpness. The lightest touch can cause pain.

Neuropathic pain can reach a certain threshold in at which pain is normalized. The individual, having experienced the pain, cannot handle the pain for a prolong time, which causes the body adjust to it. The pain would feel like an ache rather than stabbing. Examples of neuropathic pain include but are not limited to: phantom pain, cancer, and herpes zoster.

The Forbidden Hado 72 operates between the two mechanisms: nociceptive and neuropathic, switching back and forth between the two. The Kido functions by directly altering the spiriton's shape. This causes the shinigami to be hyper sensitive and thus, interpret the sensation as pain. Overtime, the pain increases as the kido operates to irritate the spirtrons by increasing the strength of the kido against the shinigami's spiritomitter. The shinigami's spiritomitter, sensing the presences of a foreign spell, attacks it. As the spell is attracted to the spiritrons, the spiritomitter is actually attacks the shinigami. In this way, the spell acts like the human world's Human Immunodeficiency virus (HIV).

This is one of the reasons why it is difficult to end the kido and why the pain increases overtime. The unique part of this kido is the switching pains system: neuropathic and nociceptive. After the shinigami has gotten use to the pain, the kido flares up and irritates the spiritrons. This causes pain flashes to occur and happens randomly to keep the shinigami in pain.

This unique mechanism ensures the shinigami will never get use to the pain, and thus protect itself from feeling numb or aching. Since pain is always present, this can lead to insanity, as the body is never allowed to be released from feeling the sensation of increasing pain.

Sexual penetration can break the kido and other sexual acts can inhibited the kido briefly. What is known but not exactly understood is the shinigami's body also has spritonin—a special type of spiritomitter that inhibits pain. Spiritonins occur naturally in the body but they are only released after reaching the peak of sexual release. Spiritonins utilized the same pathways as pain allowing it to have the ability to temporarily disrupt and displace the kido's hold on the spiritrons.

The effect does not last long as the body reabsorbs the spiritonins over the course of a few days (about three to four on average). This allows the kido to reattach itself to the shinigami's spiritrons and thus, begin the cycle over again. Masturbation and other non-penetrative sex, such as oral sex, can provide the affected shinigami with some relief. Usually, masturbation is painful to achieve by one's self due to pain in the hands. For more information on the applications of non-penetrative sex as a solution, refer to the scroll_, Studies in Sex and Kidos, subsection: Pain Spells._

Only the sexual act of penetration can fully break the spell. It is the only method discovered that works effectively and quickly without any side-effects. This is possibly due to how the kido is designed. Shinigami scientists have discovered that semen from another shinigami(B) contains spiritonins in high levels. Shinigami A, the individual affected by the kido, needs the extra boost of spiritonins to completely break the kido.

At the height of release, Shinigami B infuses his semen with reiatsu, thus changing his spiritrons' structure. This altered structure attaches to Shinigami's A's spiritrons to form a cohesive unit called Betasprits. Betaspirits are enough to permanently break the kido spell and leave shinigami A's spiritrons intact. It is not known how Betaspirits actually work; further research is required.

It is through penetration, that Shinigami B's spiritrons can be absorbed into Shinigami's A body. Neither ingesting orally nor injecting semen into the anal or vaginal area is effective as studies have indicated the changed structures of shinigami B's spiritrons are very unstable. If shinigami B's spiritrons has not found Shinigami A's spiritrons to form a Betaspirit complex, shinigami B's spiritrons disintegrate. Shinigami B's spiritrons must be fresh and in direct contact with Shinigami A's place of entry. It is for this reason, only direct touch; sexual penetration can end the kido as the semen must directly interact with the affected shinigami's internal passage in the shortest time possible.

Please refer to _Shinigami's Abnormal Kidos Institution Journal_ to see what researchers are doing to find an alternative cure.

* * *

><p>Rukia lifted her head up and paused, her head was crammed and wheeling with information from what she'd just read. It was so horrifying, and sickening. She would have to sneak the materials back into the Kuchiki's library later. For now, Rukia was filled with worry for Renji, and a new understanding of Nii-sama's role in aiding Renji. For all she knew, the two of them could end up hurting each other if they weren't careful.<p>

Yet, she still had more stuff to do. What was Hiroki up to? Who is helping him? And who did that voice belong to? Was there a traitor in the Kuchiki household?


	10. Chapter Nine: The Start of an Affair

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or anything related or from it. All copyrights belong to Noriaki 'Tite' Kubo. I only own the plot.

Pairings: ByaRen

**Warnings**: Cursing. Yaoi. Attempted rape.

**Summary:** When Renji is struck with a kido spell, he must make the decision between pain or pleasure. Byakuya offers him guidance while searching for the one responsible. During this, Byakuya also must deal with his feelings regarding his fuku-taicho and struggles to control his actions while handling the situation.

**A.N.** Wow, you guys are really awesome. Thank you for your reviews. And, thanks for reading.

**A.N.N. **I hope you guys remember to read the chapter before this one. It's a side-story with Rukia, but it's vital to the plot.

December 16, 2011; Bete-ed by Kahewei

**The Kido: Pain or Pleasure?**

Chapter Nine: The Start of an Affair

Renji didn't know what he was doing here. Common sense told him this was a bad idea. Any idiot could tell him it was not good to mix personal and business relations. He was a subordinate for heaven's sake, so Renji really didn't know why he came. He glared balefully at the grass beneath his feet, as he stood yards away from the entrance of the Kuchiki household; a fucking manor was more like it.

It was as if he couldn't step away from the man. He was no favored pet that played dead upon command. Yet, how could he ignore the challenge in those slated eyes? He was here, wasn't he? It never occurred to him—he might have been manipulated into coming.

It wasn't simple. Everything had gotten more complicated. Renji fumbled with the tie on the bottle of plum sake encased in a clean, but well-worn, blue cloth. He sure wasn't ignorant of certain protocols. He didn't know what the exact guidelines were for when your captain initiates a sexual relationship. But, dammit, he had manners. Plus, he really didn't want to get fired for being exceedingly rude.

He ignored Zabimaru's chiming voices suggesting if he was going to be fired, it wouldn't be for impoliteness—it'll be for engaging in scandalous intimacy.

Hebi, the snake half, said snarkily, _No, his taicho will be the one in trouble, not Renji; call it abuse of power._

And, that made Renji feel worse.

Saru snorted. The female green nue replied, _Renji will probably get in trouble as well. This idiot doesn't know how to talk his way out of trouble. All fists and no talk. Typical._

_Get the fuck out of my head_, growled Renji. Really, why was it just him who had troublesome Zanpakuto spirits. Renji didn't think Kuchiki-taicho had the kind of trouble he did.

* * *

><p><em>So, you're finally going to get laid.<em>

Byakuya twitched.

_That's awesome. But, I can't believe you chose him. Of all the people you had to __choose__, I mean, did you see his zanpakuto? It's a female and a boy._

_Don't you have something better to do?_

_Well, I guess I could go talk to __Zabimaru__. They're fun to play around with. Except for the boy. Saru's always fun to irritate._

_You are not allowed to talk to them and please leave._

_Why I thought you __enjoyed __my company. For I am the great Senbonzakura and I am the very definition of cool._

The noble shot a glare of venom at his sword on its stand. _Why can't I have a normal Zanpakuto?_

Senbonzakura snorted; not amused.

_One, I represent part of you, so obviously I'm like this because of you. Secondly,__you'd __die of boredom if it wasn't for me. But if you insist, let me give it a try. Ahem. Kuchiki-sama, to lure a dog and win its affection, one must tread cautiously. The truth lies in the counter-reflection of the moon in the depths of the deepest lake. However, be wary of turning from predator to prey._

_Please, do not speak in that manner. It does not suit you and frankly, it disturbs me._

_So, what are you going to wear?_

_Shut up!_

* * *

><p>Renji couldn't quite bring himself to go knock at the gate just yet. It stunned the crap out of him when taicho suggested such an idea, and he stupidly went along with it. He cursed himself and his big mouth, and pride—it always delivered him into hot water.<p>

There was no heading back now. What was done was done, so Renji with all of his fears and uncertainty knocked on the gate's door. He winced at the harsh loudness echoing through the night air. When the door was opened, a little old lady bowed and greeted him.

Renji bowed back in kind, taking care not to bow too low or too long.

"Please, follow me, Abarai-san," she murmured, keeping her head and eyes down and her hands neatly over the top of each other on her thighs. "Kuchiki-sama had informed the household that you would be arriving."

"It is my pleasure to be here this evening."

Renji bowed once again but for a shorter length of time. They rose, and Renji followed the servant along a well-worn path to the manor. When they reached the front of the house and stepped onto the genkan, Renji removed his cloak and folded it neatly over one arm.

"If you hand your cloak over to me, I shall take it for safe-keeping, Abarai-san. To your right, you may find suitable slippers."

"Thank you," he said, handing over his cloak. He stepped out of his warajji and slipped on the soft, silk slippers. Renji checked his hair and clothing, making sure he was presentable. He was not sure what to wear. In the end, Renji decided to wear a clean uniform. It would prevent suspicion, and demonstrate his respect for their working relationship. He kept the bottle of sake in his right hand as he entered the main house's front doors.

"Konbanwa, Abarai-san," greeted another servant, who had been waiting inside. She placed both her hands over her thighs, and kept her head and eyes down as she bowed at a thirty-degree angle.

"Konbanwa."

Renji bowed in reply but for a shorter time, and not as deep.

"If Abarai-san would follow me, Kuchiki-sama is waiting in the reception room."

Renji kept his eyes firmly on the servant's back as she led them down a series of hallways and twists before arriving at their destination. The servant rapped her knuckles on the sliding doors.

"Kuchiki-sama, your guest has arrived."

Taicho's voice sounded clear and loud as he replied, "You may enter."

The servant slid opened the frame. Renji slipped off his slippers, and then carefully entered the room. The servant closed the door shut as Renji set his gaze on his taicho. He was startled to see Kuchiki-taicho was not wearing his uniform, or haori. Instead, his taicho was wearing two layers of kimono. The outer layer was a deep green color with patterns of bamboo shoots and silver intricate circles woven throughout the silk fabric. The obi was a simple thin, light green much like the usual uniform ties. However, the noble kept his kenseikan in his hair and his tekkou. The soft _ginpaku kazahana no uzuginu_ was lightly draped around his shoulders.

Renji wasn't sure what to make of this display. Byakuya was changing the rules deliberately. He placed the gift and his sword on the ground next to him, and greeted his taicho.

He bowed deeply, at a ninety-degree angle, his arms and hands at his side, and held it for a long while. "Konbanwa, Kuchiki-taicho. It is pleasure to be invited to your home."

When Renji felt he had demonstrated his respect enough to his taicho, he rose. Renji had made certain he reflected his respect for his taicho as a superior, his respect for his friend, and respect for his taicho's military rank.

Kuchiki-sama nodded his head in reply.

"It is a pleasure to have you here, Abarai fuku-taicho. Please, be seated." Byakuya gestured with his hand toward the table.

"Thank you, taicho."

Renji seated himself in seiza on the tatami at one end of the long, rectangle table, making sure the seat facing the door was left open. Kuchiki sama seated himself in that seat.

Renji unwrapped his gift, and presented the sake to Kuchiki taicho with his palms straight and facing toward the sky.

"Kuchiki-taicho, I have brought you a gift. It only amounts to a symbol of my appreciation but I hope it please you," Renji murmured, as the words fell from his lips ritually.

"It pleases me very much, Abarai fuku-taicho. However, such a gift is unnecessary."

"I must insist, Kuchiki-tachio," Renji kept his head bowed and his eyes lowered.

"Very well, then. I humbly accept your gesture."

Kuchiki-taicho bowed his head, and placed both palms facing up, receiving the gift from Renji.

"Thank you, Abarai fuku-taicho. I will have a servant warm this for us."

When the servant brought back the heated sake in a different container, Renji grasped the ceramic jug. Byakuya watched as Renji poured a measure of sake into both ochoko, sake cups, the liquid sparkling as it flowed out in a smooth stream. He carefully turned the cup halfway around. Using both hands, the redhead presented the cup of rice wine to his superior.

Kuchiki-taicho accepted the ochoko with both hands gracefully and took a small sip of the warmed sake.

Renji waited.

"You have chosen very refreshing and light sake. It tastes of sweeten ume plucked during a summer's eve. Where did you procure this?"

The vice-captain took a hold of his cup and took a small sip, enjoying the silkiness slipping down his throat, and warming his belly.

"I had the chance to go to Aomori's a few days ago. They import several types of sake, including this one from Hakutsuru Sake Company in Hyogo. I heard they also have sake from Fushimi-Momoyama, Kyoto. I thought it might please you."

"Aa." The noble regarded the solider with cool eyes, flickered his gaze down to the tenseness in Renji's hands and the tightness in the set of the man's shoulders.

"Renji."

He murmured softly, "Yes, taicho."

"You may cease all formalities. Let us proceed straight to the point. You are aware of the fact I do not share my bed lightly."

Renji didn't relax, although, he switched his usual speech patterns. "Um, okay, sure. Yeah, I know."

"You have accepted the terms of agreement," Byakuya placed his ochoko down on the table with a soft clink. "However, before we begin, let me inform you of my own knowledge of intimacy. I hope this will reassure you. I suspect my foray into homosexual endeavors is significantly less than yours. However, I am not entirely ignorant, Renji. I have pursed literary works as well as personal experimentations. It is suffice, I assure you, to meet your needs."

"So, you," Renji kept his eyes on his sake," you've never had sex with another male before?"

"That is correct."

"And, you want to do this with _me_?" Renji squeaked on the last word.

Silver eyes meet his.

"Yes. If it will cure you, then yes."

Renji froze for a second.

He tossed back his cup of sake in one go, and slammed his cup down. "Why would you think that would be reassuring? I don't just think that's bad idea. I now think it's a horrible one. If you've never been with another man, then why start now? I told you before I don't need your help. If that's the only reason you're helping me, then I want out."

His dark, ruby eyes flashed agitatedly with emotion.

"It is not the only reason. If you think that, then you do not know me at all."

"Then, why?"

Byakuya took a careful sip of sake, allowing the alcohol to envelop inundate his senses. "I think that is something best left for you to figure out."

He growled in frustration. "Fine, whatever. Then, how are we going to do this, taicho?"

"First off, I would rather you use my given name."

"Y-you want me to call you by your name?"

Byakuya's eyes glinted with amusement. "It would be preferable, given the circumstances. While you are here, you are sharing my bed. As such, you will be my lover, and not a subordinate. I trust you will be able to keep these two relationships separate?"

"Yeah, I'm not stupid."

"I never suggest it," Byakuya finished his sake, setting down the cup with a satisfied hum. "Is there anything you would like to discuss before we begin?"

Renji placed both of his hands in his lap, looking up at Byakuya.

"Yeah. What about your servants? Won't it be suspicious?"

"I have taken that into account. My servants are under a geis to prevent them from spilling the secrets of this household. You appreciate the fact that the Kuchiki line is one of the four great noble houses, and our duty specifically is to safeguard the history and artifacts of Soul Society. You have no need to concern yourself with the status of secrecy while you are here."

The lieutenant analyzed this thoughtfully.

_He has given me the usage of his name. And, he's dressed down, well, for a guy like taicho. What does he want from me?_

"And, what will you tell people? Or do you want me to come and leave in secret?"

"I think you'll find there is a need for secrecy when it comes to others outside of this household. The rules regarding the nature of relationships between a superior and subordinate are strict. It is unrelenting in its precise wording."

The noble paused, and continued, "Regarding the situation at hand, I find it unlikely that you would act out. If you do so, if the changed nature of our relationship is revealed, we will both be shamed with dishonor. I have no intentions of letting that happen. Do you?"

"'course not," Renji frowned. "It's just…you could lose a lot doing this. So, why would you help me?"

"If you did not understand before, why should I repeat it?"

He glared at the man before him who was calm and relaxed.

"Y'know, one day, you won't say stuff like that and confuse me."

"Perhaps," Byakuya inclined his head, "But, that moment is not now."

Renji unknowingly pouted. He settled himself back to the subject at hand. "Then, you want me to leave and come in secrecy?"

"That is unwise, given it would arouses more suspicion then relieve it. We are captain and vice-captain, are we not? It would not be unusual for us to meet and discuss matters of our division like that of other divisions. We do have to speak about the security breach that occurred the night you were attacked, Renji."

"Okay. Then," Renji racked his mind to see if he could stall for time.

Byakuya rose from his seat. "There is no use in delaying any further. If you have further concerns, then we can discuss them later. Come, Renji."

Renji picked up his sword. They slipped on slippers, and Renji trailed after the man with trepidation, his heart pounding furiously and the rush of blood in his ears.

The redhead watched the green silk on his taicho's back shimmer in the dim light as the noble slid open a wooden frame with delicate, decoratively rice paper. They crossed over so many pathways, and through rooms, Renji wondered if the wait was supposed to be reassuring. However, they moved moderately deeper into the Kuchiki household.

Then, Byakuya opened two doors with both hands, and gestured for Renji to enter. Renji slipped off his slippers and cautiously entered the room. He looked around curiously at the soft cotton futon in the center, and the candles lit in its bowls, scattered around the room in various places and heights. There was a stand with Senbonzakura nestled in its hooks. He placed Zabimaru on the hooks beneath it. And, he crossed over to the other side of the room, and slid that door open to see the garden outside, the flowing stream of water laughing against the stones, and the night sky shining with stars. He breathed in the cold night air, and spoke.

"This. This is your room, isn't it?"

He turned back to look at the noble who was watching his every movement.

"I remember it. From last time."

Renji wanted to ask why, why the noble let him in here, to his sanctuary. He didn't.

"Are you afraid?" The steel eyes caught his as the noble slowly unwove his scarf from his pale neck. "You seem more subdued."

"No," Renji denied, never mind this whole situation was unsettling to him. "I chose this out of my choices. I can't ignore your words. Even if I think this whole thing is stupid, I like the fact you want to help me. It's nice."

"Hmm." He placed down his scarf on a nearby wooden stand, and stripped off his tekkou casually. "What part of this do you find stupid? Myself, the situation, or the kido?"

"Everything," he blurted out. "Mostly, because, although I think it's nice you're helping; I don't think this is going to work. You just don't get it."

"And, yet I find myself repeating things around you," Byakuya sighed. "If you do not speak your mind, then I do not know what thoughts lie in you. Renji, I would like for you to try. To try to speak what is in your heart. Like the day you fought me with your first bankai."

"I—"

"You are similar to Rukia, and Hisana in that regard. It is hard to speak of your desires and dreams, yes; however, it is needed to facilitate our relationship."

Byakuya took a hold of Renji's hands in his, and looked up into struggling brown eyes. "You don't have to speak now, but know this. If you don't, I will push you until you do. It is dangerous for the heart to keep everything bottled up. Rukia mentioned once, the rule of Inuzuri was the survival of the fittest, yet, both of you worked together to survive. Your friends will be there for you if you need it. And, I will be there, so let me help."

Renji bowed his head down. There was no turning back. Byakuya was acting very different from the person he always saw. Who was real? The one before him now or the one he saw everyday during work and midnight tactic sessions.

"Okay."

The noble led the redhead to sit on the futon, placing their tabi to the side and he clasped Renji's hands to his chest.

"I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. Trust me, Renji."

Byakuya, with a bit of nervousness, gently brought Renji to lie flat upon the futon

_Just think of Hisana and the first time we had sex. It's like that. Renji trusts me. He's nervous as if it's the first time_.

He trailed a hand across Renji's cheek, and stroked the inked brow while Renji tried to hold still, his body trembling with the knowledge of what they were about to engage in. And, inadvertently, he gasped.

"You are in pain?"

"Slightly, it's sorta bearable, but," Renji sucked in a breath of air, "the pain flares up once in a while. It catches me off guard."

"Have you heard of the term, masochism?"

"Yeah."

"I believe you need to partake in the sensations of pain in order to get over this kido."

Renji's breathing increased, and he stared up into mercury eyes that seemed to have the ability to penetrate his soul.

"I don't do so good with pain, taicho."

Byakuya looked at him sternly. "Call me, Byakuya, Renji."

"Sorry, tai-Bya-Byakuya."

Renji flushed with heat as Byakuya smiled at him warmly.

"Much better. Then, I will show you how to enjoy it."

Byakuya lifted a hand uncertainly to the black tie holding up brilliant red strands.

"May I?"

He nodded, and the noble loosened the tie, combing out the silken tresses.

"Did you know whenever I needed to find you; it was always your hair that shows me the way? It is quite an unusual colouring. I have always wanted to ask you whether the curtain matches the rug." Byakuya slipped a finger down Renji's neck, tracing the jagged marks and down into the vulnerable hollow of a tanned throat.

As expected, Renji relaxed a little bit further underneath his hands, and allowed himself a nervous chuckle. "Everyone asks that, but I thought you knew?"

He ran his hands down the redhead's sides, and over to the front, slowly undoing the white sash around the hakama.

"I'm flattered you think so, but I do not."

"But, you touched me?" His voice tinged with confusion.

The raven-haired noble pushed open the kimono, admiring the strong stretch of tanned flesh, harsh, black tattoos, and burning the tips of his fingers upon stroking the heated skin.

"I did, but I never looked. I suppose, I can find out now, can't I?"

It was a rhetorical question, and Renji didn't bother replying. Instead, he blushed as his captain examined his torso, with those captivating, stormy eyes. He shivered. His skin prickling in the coldness of the night air, drifting in from the slight opening of the door he had forgotten to close.

Renji closed his eyes with embarrassment as he felt himself hardening, and his nipples stiffened from the cold.

_It's from the cold, not because he's looking at me like that._

And, he bit his lower lip as he felt cool hands caress his stomach, following the path of his inked flesh.

"_Renji_."

"H-hai," Renji gasped as a finger brushed against his right nipple and twisted.

"You are certain enough to desire to continue?"

Fuck, why did he have to ask now? When he was burning with need, and caught between the cusp of pain and the promise ofpleasure.

"Y-yes," and he bit back a cry of pain as his nerves betrayed him and caused the sensations to shift. He bit firmly down on his lip, breaking skin and allowing his life's blood to ebb.

Byakuya continued to play with Renji's nipples, as he murmured, "Don't bit your lip, Renji."

The noble noted the tension in the redhead's muscles when the pain offset the more pleasant sensations, and he twisted a dusky, brown nipple harder, pulling a soft groan from his vocals.

He leaned across the board shoulders, clasping his hands around the formidable muscles, and whispered softly, "You may cry out if you need to. There's no need to hide your pain from me." His breath caressed Renji's sensitive ears.

"Taicho."

Pain-filled, watery eyes looked up at him pleadingly.

"C-can, can you kiss me? I need—some sorta, um, distraction."

"Very well."

He gently brushed a kiss upon silken lips, licking away the metallic taste of blood.

Renji groaned, and suddenly pushed up, trapping Byakuya in his arms as he kissed deeply, trying hard to forget the pain, trying to lose himself in Byakuya's taste.

He didn't notice when Byakuya slipped a hand down his hakama, wrapping lean fingers around his erection, and he cried out. His head tossed back, his hair cascading around him as he arched into the velvet grip.

Byakuya forced him down, keeping their mouths attached and engaged in a fierce battle of tongue and saliva. He slid his hand down, and pumped his hand, the heat of Renji searing his palm and Byakuya felt the heat spread throughout his body, coiling low in his stomach.

The sound of Renji's wordless cries and moans spurred him to pleasure the redhead further.

The heat and his emotions fuelled his mind, and he couldn't separate himself out of the tangled warmth of intimacy and desire. He was quickly losing his composure, and his plan of action. His will against the desires of the flesh crumbled when Renji murmured, "please, I—"

With all the remnants of his enraptured senses, Byakuya bit down hard in the junction of the redhead's shoulder, unconsciously marking the man, licking the tender skin.

Renji cried out at the simultaneous sensation of sharp pain, and the sudden brush of Byakuya's thumb over his slit, and he came with a wordless cry. His body tensed as Byakuya softly kissed him and slowly stroking him as he came down from his high.

His breathing was harsh as he looked down at Renji. Renji, who had his sweat-matted hair tousled around his face, and swollen, reddened lips.

Byakuya started to move to wipe his hand when his lieutenant grabbed his wrist.

Without looking at him, Renji panted. "Y-you. You didn't come."

"No, I didn't," affirmed the man.

Eyelids popped open, revealing fierce, ruby eyes.

"Let me," Renji licked dry lips, "let me jerk you off."

"It's not necessary—"

Byakuya found himself against the futon, Renji leaning over him with his hair curtained around their faces.

"Let me restate that, _taicho_. I'm not taking no for an answer."

He stifled a gasp as Renji's hand brushed against him. He could acutely feel the heat of Renji against him, feral and wild, and he was aching with need.

"I'm not going to let you say no. You say we are lovers here," he spoke huskily as he slid his hand between the folds of the silken cloth. "Well, I'm not the type of person to leave my lover unsatisfied."

Byakuya groaned at the sensation of heat sliding across his turgid flesh, and the sight of smoldering eyes and locks of blood-darkened hair shutting out the world around him.

The fire that was back in Renji's eyes, it was Renji before the night Hiroki stole the light, changing the demeanor of his vice-captain.

It was this sight; this was the man he desired, not some semblance of Renji. It was this sight, the thought, it will one day return, that made Byakuya release under the skillful administration of his redheaded lover.

"We are partners, aren't we?"

Warm eyes look down and Byakuya was aware no one had seen him like this except one other.

"Yes."

As they wiped down, and Renji twisted his hair into a braid, Byakuya looked out into the night sky. He heard rustling behind him, and he turned to see Renji putting his clothing back in order.

When the man picked up his sword, Byakuya spoke.

"What are you doing, Renji?"

"I, uh, I was just, gonna go?"

He fidgeted.

"Why?"

"Well, I don't think it's right for me to be here. And, I don't have a change of clothing."

Byakuya's face was blank, and Renji hated it. He could never read his captain properly, except when he looked him in the eye. Half the time, Renji wondered if he was doing something wrong, but the man never said a thing. Renji did not realize he understood his captain better than most.

"I believe we have discussed that already."

He watched Renji's hands tightened on his sword.

"You should stay the night. You can borrow a yukata for the night. It is impractical for you to go out at this time. Also, we shall have to discuss the security issue tonight."

He let out a slow breathe of air, and nodded. Byakuya couldn't tell what Renji was thinking. _One step forward, and two steps back._

"Alright."

"Let's refresh ourselves. Kishou will show you the way to the baths. Perhaps, this will give you some time to reflect."

"On what? What we did? Don't you mean for yourself," he snapped.

Byakuya regarded him coolly. "Time for _both_ of us to reflect. Our emotions are too frazzled for us to communicate at this moment."

He left the room while Kishou entered.

Renji cursed and slammed his fist hard on the wooden stand containing Byakuya's articles of nobility. He followed Kishou to the bathing area, not noticing there was now a crack in the center of the stand.

* * *

><p>Renji sunk into the hot water, sulking while thin wisps of steam warmed his face. His hair drifted around him in wet, crimson skeins as his arms wrapped around his legs.<p>

He leaned his head on his knees as he scowled.

Him and his big mouth.

He didn't understand why he did stuff like this to himself. He couldn't help but just act without thinking. And, now, taicho was probably angry with him after he shot his mouth off like that.

_It just_, Renji sighed, sinking deeper into the water, _taicho doesn't get it. It felt good. And, I'm not in pain any more. It's just…damnit, why can't I find the words. Just when I thought I understood, he throws me through another loop._

_Green and silver. He wasn't wearing his uniform. Why though? Only friends are that casual with each other. Does he…is he…_

And before he could finish that thought, he dropped all the way down to the tiled floor, allowing the water to suck away his breath as he struggled to cleanse himself in mind and spirit.

Renji rose up, allowing the water to cascade in small ripples down his bare torso, water dripping from his heavy, soaked hair.

He had sex. With his captain. Sorta.

_And, he kissed me. He actually kissed me._

He wrung his hair out and pulled a white towel, wrapping himself within its softness and warmth. It was a chilly, autumn day, and he could feel the cold sweeping in, stealing his warmth as he hurriedly dressed in a provided yukata lined with cotton and wool.

As the vice-captain tousled his hair as dry as he could, he frowned.

He didn't like it when Byakuya spoke as if he knew what was best for him. He was a grown man, and had been on his own as early as he could remember. The days on the streets when he had to make his own choices, and sometime choosing wrong. But even if he had picked the wrong one, he had to stick with it. There was no going back. _Never_.

The thing that bugged Renji the most was the fact his taicho was the one who suggested the whole affair. He didn't know what to do; being with taicho—like that was nerve-wrecking. And, it would happen again, the next time when the pain creep through him, rendering him unfit for duty.

_How can taicho not care about his rep? He's a noble. A captain for heaven's sake._

Renji wondered if he had tainted the man, but immediately dismissed this notion. Byakuya was strong; he bent to no one's will except his own.

As he plaited his damped tresses into a loose braid, Renji acknowledged that perhaps he was too on edge. He honestly hadn't meant to snap at Byakuya like that. Yet, he refused to let Byakuya dictated what he'd do. Renji wasn't quite sure what he objecting to, his taicho's decision was sound and reasonable.

Maybe it was because he felt insignificant. Maybe it was his upbringing rearing its head. Renji shivered in memories of friends who died from bottoming. Maybe the real reason he objected so much to Byakuya was because he felt too much. He felt as if he could speak of his past and he wouldn't be shunned. Because, taicho was getting past his barriers, barriers that no one knew existed except maybe Rukia and Kira. And, he didn't want to be that vulnerable.


End file.
